Growing Hope

no words needed

2012-01-30T13:14:00.001-06:00

almost 24 hours later....

2012-01-29T11:10:00.001-06:00

Last night, the nursing strike ended with both us parents rejoicing. We had a tired but happy Judah back and were so thankful to see, what we think, is the end of his sickness. "It is always darkest before the dawn."

motherhood ain't for sissies!

2012-01-28T16:52:00.001-06:00

We have had one of the hardest few days than we have had in a long time. Both our children have been sick but the younger one was having it really bad with some wheezing, congestion, and fever. Not so bad that we needed breathing treatments but enough to worry a mama. His irritability has been off the charts. The hardest part has been that he has gone on, what is known in the breastfeeding community, as a nursing strike. This is when a baby, usually between 3 and 8 months will refuse the breast due to congestion, earache and/or teething. He is hungry and wants the comfort of nursing but has associated suffocating with the breast. It has been SO HARD. Crying nonstop for hours without being able to help him. He would fall asleep only to easily wake up again and more upset than how he started. He refuses to be put down and so we are holding and trying our best to comfort him.

I was a pressure cooker. That pressure and exhaustion was building and building and I could feel it. While holding him in the bathroom with the water running, I began some water works of my own. David came in and took him and I continued my cries for a few minutes. Cathartic. I felt a little better. Better to cry than combust, I always say (ok, so I've never said that but I'm gonna start!). The couple of tricks to help a nursing baby who isn't nursing to nurse (how is that for a sentence?) is to catch them when they are semi-conscious, like right before falling into a deep sleep. Judah has latched on during those times when I am laying him on the bed for a nap. Also, feeding him breastmilk through a medicine dropper. Why not a bottle you ask? Well, at this point a bottle might promote weaning, and Judah is not wanting to wean. Babies under 1 year old will not self-wean, usually. If he were, it would be gradual and without all the screaming. So, there you go. Right now, he is uncomfortable nursing while congested. I hope that by Monday, when I am alone with the kids again that Judah will be more himself and nursing normally. Strikes can last anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks (yikes!).

David and I feel as if we have taken a beating this week. One thing after another has rained on us and we have been battered and bruised. Therefore, we are tired. We will likely hole up for awhile just to get our heads cleared and on straight. We are thankful for the pieces of grace we have gotten. For example, Judah napping, our computer not breaking when juice was spilled on it, no anxiety, a breastpump that works without batteries ;), and some beautiful sunny days (it always helps a little).

Christmas cheer!

2012-01-25T15:20:00.002-06:00

January is just about over but I thought I would post some Christmas photos. They make me smile. I hope they make you smile, too.

I have started calling Judah "my squishy". I got the idea from Finding Nemo. Sometimes, I accidently say, "my smooshy" but it still just as cute.

Rare moment where both are looking in similar directions and posing. I'm pretty sure that Judah was trying to eat something on David. David was tolerating it fairly well.

They are not quite at the age where they are playing together but for very VERY brief moments. Here is one of those moments where they have a few minutes of interaction.

David made himself a little fort next to the Christmas tree. It is what childhood is made of. Am I right? I always wanted my little private cozy corner. If I were a kid, this little spot would have been awesome with its prime location, warm climate, and excellent views.

updates on my two boys

2012-01-24T16:23:00.001-06:00

David is...

Christmas morning turned David the toddler into David the Superhero!

      ...talking so well. We hear words that we know we never covered with him deliberately. It is a delight to have a conversation. When we don't understand what he is saying he will be as slow and clear as possible to communicate to us. I can see the wheels turning in his mind as he tries his darndest to articulate the word in a way we will understand. Sometimes it helps! Sometimes it doesn't however we are delighted to hear his little voice and see what parts of his surroundings are catching his attention.
        ...obsessed with Rugrats cartoons lately. It is a struggle to get him to watch anything other than the "bayies" ("babies").
      ...loves to play with children. He is so social at times. If there is another kid, he wants to stand very close to them. He wants to play "chase" and "waise" (race) them. Other, more timid children, aren't sure what to do with this child who looks as though he is about to charge them but stops just short of touching them. It is so cute and I so want those other kids to respond in kind.
     ...a teaser. He will ask for things even though he knows the answer is "no" just to get a laugh. You can tell he is teasing because he has this certain grin on his face that gives it away.
     ...still into cars and dinosaurs.
     ...enjoys jumping off the bed onto his mattress on the floor. He'll say, "Jump, mommy!" and get to the edge and want me to count. I can't believe what a big boy he is. So precious to me.


Judah is
      ...close to walking. He can stand for a second or two on his own.
      ...a smiler. He will smile at anyone. Those smiles are rays of sunshine to me.
      ...more intense than we thought. As Judah has become more mobile he has had more opportunity to get bumps and bruises while exploring. When he gets hurt, he screams. And screams. And screams. David, who is our typically intense guy, was easily consoled with nursing. Judah does not want milk. He wants to scream. Once he is done screaming, he will then be calm enough to nurse. It is almost comical if it weren't sad that he got hurt.
       ...loving solid foods. I waited to introduce foods to Judah because David was not really interested in solids until 9 or so months. Well, Judah is 9 months last week and we have been on a roll. It was like a switch was flipped and he wanted to eat it all. Right now, he eats what we eat as long as it is mushy enough for his few teeth to chomp on. He has tried beans, rice, sausage, pepperoni, grits, corn, sweet potato, potato, avocado, banana, mustard greens, smoothies (homemade), yogurt, multi-grain cheerios (trying to increase his iron and FYI- multi-grain cheerios has 45% iron. that is pretty impressive). He basically has eaten what has been on our plate. Therefore his range of foods has been much wider than David's at this point. The reason we did this was because I was trying a process called baby-led feeding. So far, it has been a good thing--and easier.

Is that really my hand?? It looks like an old woman's.

        ...loves baths. He is now taking baths with his brother and it is so darn cute. Both of them will wait by the tub in their diapers watching the water fill. Once he hits the water, he is just all over the place with excitement. So adorable. (David Jr. has been gracious to allow Judah into his bathtimes when it has been needed).
        ...going through separation anxiety. He is very aware of where I am or where his daddy is. He will follow us room to room, usually with a cry of panic until we pick him up (which is promptly). It isn't fun but at least I know that this stage is a great sign that he has a healthy attachment to us.
       ...love his daddy. David Jr. didn't have such a strong desire to be with his daddy as Judah seems to have. He loves seeing him when he comes in the room and will reach out to him. It is darling. I know it makes daddy feel good.

...getting better at feeding himself. If it is big enough, he can easily pick up a piece of food and bring it to his mouth.

Achtung, College and Grad Students!

2012-01-20T14:33:00.000-06:00

Sure, you were up ALL night writing a 25 page paper about the fundamentals of whatchamicallit and whoduzzit. You have more break outs on your face than you did at 16 years old. You gained a good 10 pounds from all those late-night study sessions at the IHOP. And who invented the 8am class? Or the 8am client?? Then you had to sit through a 3 hour lecture on that subject....yeah, that one. However, don't ya'll miss some parts of being a student? I know I do. I know David does. Ok, David IS a student but he missed being a student like he was at LSU--y'know, single. (Yes, yes, he loves me and loves being married but he is allowed to miss parts of single life just like I am).

I am writing this particular post at the local coffee shop. I'm sitting in a comfy chair with my laptop (appropriately named) on my lap. I have a strawberry italian cream soda on a cute little table next to me. Around me are a few people here to visit and catch up. But I also have students around me. Ok, and they don't look thrilled to be there. But there may be a time in their busy futures where they will look back and go--Ahhh, those days were fun. I rarely, and I mean RARELY, get the opportunity to sit in a coffeeshop by myself and just play online. It is WONDERFUL!!! I won't lie. I don't have to divide my attention. I can completely and unapologetically focus. Does it matter what it is on? No, the focusing is what is luxurious. I'm a terrible multi-tasker but am forced to try while mothering two youngsters and taking care of housework. As a student, I spent oodles and oodles of time in coffee shops and bookstores and restaurants studying. Sometimes, I went with the excuse of studying but I really just wanted a change of scenery or to be around the hustle and bustle. (I've never been the type to enjoy sitting in a quiet room or library to work.) It is relaxing to be here. Life is going on around me yet I'm allowed the luxury to focus. I'm basking in it.

Another part of academia that is missed is that there were ministries specifically focused on your stage of life. RUF, anyone? If you aren't the Reformed University Fellowship type, then try Campus Crusade, or Baptist Student Union. All of these were geared and designed to walk alongside the student and all of their joys and struggles. No one is there after graduation walking with you through the hard stuff like, "what am I going to do with my life?" or "why don't I get more than two days off for Christmas?" and "What? No spring break?? Who made these rules??". Also, when in school you have this built-in community (for better or worse). After graduation can be a rather lonely place. No campus ministers are calling. No friends that live "just down the hall". No buddy to have "peer reviews" with over clients (what? you didn't do those in grad school? just me? ok.)

So thankful for the experience that is school. There really is nothing like it. I'm also super thankful for my present life being married with children. But I will enjoy an occasional afternoon with my laptop at a coffee shop. Cheers.

craigslist folly

2012-01-19T10:53:00.000-06:00

Craigslist is a fabulous tool that I have used often. I am daily looking for deals on items that I am hoping to score. That is how we found our minivan. It is also how we sold our car. Our washing machine broke recently and within a couple of days we replaced it with a working $75 replacement. A deal!! Lately, I've been hunting for a sofa or a couple of chairs (or both) for our living room. Our sofa and loveseat have run their course. They have served my parents and then me for longer than ten years. Not only are they showing much wear and tear (stains galore and tears threatening to widen) but our couch is rather uncomfortable because it has lost its shape. There is a hole by the arm that leads to the space below the cushions. We often have to stick our hand in it to find remotes, important papers, or books. It is scary sticking your hand in there, feeling unsure of what your hand might touch. We shudder to think about it. I think we will donate them to salvation army. If we sold it at a garage sale, I think we would ask for $20 or something like that.

As I peruse the furniture lists of craigslist, I am flabbergasted at what people think their furniture will go for. What are people thinking?!? Ok, I can probably tell you what people are thinking. If you ever had a garage sale, than you can probably relate. As you are pricing items, especially if you need the money, you want to get the most that a person is likely to pay for an item. So a little desperation and greed has you raising the price--justifying that the item is worth it to someone. Also, how much the seller paid for it, seems to be a part in the equation. Throw a little sentiment and nostalgia and you got a very old and ugly couch going for $200. Seeing as I can get a new couch AND better looking couch for just a hundred dollars more (on sale), makes this "deal" laughable. The sellers are either thinking, "Why doesn't a buyer see the beauty and function of this sofa?" or "No fools biting today."

Couch new - $650 (Brandon)

Date: 2012-01-18, 4:27PM EST
Reply to: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

Custom couch call or text 601-XXX-XXXX

Location: Brandon
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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(who would consider this couch for $50, much less $650?!!?)

I wrote about this issue on facebook and a few friends pointed out a few other tactics that I have seen. There are those that want you to know just how valuable their living room set is by telling you they paid $1500 when they bought it at Ethan Allen or Miskelly's. Yet they are selling it for just $500. What they fail to say (but it is plain as day when you see the pictures) is that they paid that much in the early nineties. According to my rather inexact calculations, it would make that set worth no more than $100. Did you catch that "no more than"? That means all the pieces would be worth $100 IF there wasn't vomit (or other unappealing liquids) on it, without tears, and still somewhat supportive. Any of these and the price drops again.

And while I'm talking about Craigslist etiquette, I want to add that if you really want to sell something you must post a picture. I will not waste any time on the posts without pictures. And if you put pictures--make them good. I once saw a pic (I would show you but i couldn't find it again) where it was a side view of the couch while loveseat was upside down and ON TOP OF THE COUCH! Huh??? Classic, really. I so wish I could find it again to show you.

The longer I look on Craigslist for my new/used couch, the more I think I am better off spending a little more money for a nicer couch and then slipcovering it to protect it from ourselves (I was going to say "protect it from our kids" but David and I have been just as guilty when it comes to abusing our furniture). David doesn't want a slipcover that just lays on top that needs constant adjusting in order for it to look decent. I agree. That will be a pain. So, the slipcover will need to be fitted. I've only seen that on Ikea and Pottery Barn. Guess which one is in our price range?? That's right--Ikea. In the meantime, I'm still scouring for deals at craigslist. I will occasionally check thrift stores and consignment shops as well.

an honest answer to an honest question

2012-01-16T09:59:00.000-06:00

Awhile ago, a friend of ours was struggling with a messy break-up. He was yearning for any sort of reason for why it happened. He was lost in emotions of self-doubt, mourning, anger, and angst. It wasn't strange, any sort of loss would bring these kinds of emotions. When we lose someone or something, we ask a lot of questions. We spent an afternoon of going through the timeline of the broken relationship, trying to tease out as much truth about himself, his ex, and the relationship itself. Loss has the potential of bringing some deep questions about our identity. Our sense of self becomes shaky. We ask questions about ourselves and the future. Was it me? Am I capable of a healthy relationship? Was it her? Could I have done something differently? Am I uniquely flawed in a way that will keep me from love? Why is this so hard?

This friend isn't a Christian. David and I have been open about our beliefs with him. We offered what we could from our perspective. He asked a poignant, honest question. He asked, "What can Christianity (read: Christ/God) do for me in this situation?" I didn't hear a selfish question where the inquirer was all about himself (yet, aren't we all?). I heard an honest question about why we "choose" to be Christians. What brings us back to our beliefs when our hearts are bleeding? What comfort does it have to offer a wounded person? Other wiser theologians might have had a ready answer. (Beware of those with ready answers--especially me). However, when the ball was thrown into our court, we fumbled. (Ok, yes. I did mix sports metaphors but if you don't tell and I don't care, then no harm done, right??). Trying not to make our God look foolish...ok, trying not to make ourselves look foolish, we probably said something about comfort...mumble, mumble.

I thought about this question a lot. I went over in my head how I would answer if I had all the time in the world to answer. Well, here I am. I don't have all the time in the world but I have some. I think that this question caught us off guard because I can't answer with anything tangible. There was also a fear that perhaps the intangible isn't attractive enough--not attractive enough to draw others to Christ and make us look like we are no fools. Why intangibles? When I first heard that question there was a sense of disappointment in me that I could not say, "I'm glad you asked. He can make the pain go away instantly." That is obviously not true. Christians feel pain (perhaps it can be argued that they feel more pain than most but I don't want to go there). What Christ offers to his followers is hope. We have the satisfaction of knowing that the pain we presently feel is not without purpose. And we know that His purpose through our pain is to draw out our strength and faith (as the refiner's fire with gold), to bring about circumstances that are good for us, to point out to us our dependency on Him when we had been foolishly trusting our friends, our talents, our looks, to keep us from what could be a horrendous future.

Pain now, Gain later

There are many benefits of Christianity, but most are ones we look forward to. We are to spend our lives in sacrifice and servanthood to God and one another until that great day when evil will be trampled underfoot. We look longingly for Jesus to return or for us to go to Jesus in heaven where there is promise of no more tears, sorrow, disease, and death. The ugliness of this life will fade as we delight in the splendor of our Lord and Savior. But does that sound attractive to the unbeliever?? I'm sure it does not. I hear hearts that say, "Why should this God who allows pain be trusted to keep his promises?" I suppose what Christians have is a bunch of promises and a "peace that surpasses understanding".

That peace is from our gifts in this life. It is Katniss's bow and ointment in the Hunger Games. It is Frodo's sting and bottle of light in Lord of the Rings. It is Harry's invisibility cloak and map in Harry Potter. We have also been given gifts for battle in this world. Believers are given His Word (the Bible) and the Holy Spirit. You can't have one without the other because they both help interpret one another. Without it, this world is at face-value without hope, without light, and without promise. And if it is, then why not give way to all my sinful desires? If there is no tomorrow, then blow all your money, satisfy your lust, steal and enjoy the spoils.

What about now? The Intangibles.

How do you explain to someone who is without the Holy Spirit that there is guidance, peace, comfort, joy, and positive change within Christianity. Christians are not without strife, struggle, pain and death. We live in the same world, after all, as unbelievers. In the midst of a confusing and painful breakup, what can a Christian expect to get? Jesus helps us to forgive the other. Doesn't sound like much at first but to let go of resentment and bitterness is the best healer in such a time. Jesus helps us to own up to our own issues, especially knowing that we are forgiven, too. We are given comfort in knowing that "all things work for the good of those who love Him". We know that if this didn't work out, then something better for us will come along. We experience joy and thankfulness and peace even while we feel sadness and loss.
The best intangible that I can write about is the actual relationship with Christ. I don't just mean some sort of ethereal spiritual connection to the Creator of the universe. I mean a real relationship with a Father who is steady as a rock, mighty as a mountain, tender as a mother of a newborn baby, comforting as a warm blanket and a hot drink, and more in love with His daughters and sons than can hardly be imagined. When you have that--all other losses start to pale. It doesn't mean we won't miss our loved ones or mourn broken relationships. We do. I have. But it does mean that I have something Huge and Wonderful to fall back on. He steadies my feet. He lifts me out of the muck and mire. Admittedly, it is a hard sell unless you've experienced it.

I have come before the Lord with many hard questions that I never got answers to. There was beauty in being able to come to the Creator of the universe and present these doubts about who He is and what He is about without fear. I am secure in His love and faithfulness to me. That was not always the case but the Lord brought me to that place. He knows my heart. I believe that He wants me to bring my real heart questions to Him. I'm not promised answers. I don't necessarily have to have them, do I? I just need to trust the One who does. I need to believe that He loves me and is looking out for me.

wonder woman, she-ra, or charlie's angel

2012-01-11T21:47:00.001-06:00

I realized later in life that I was/am a weenie. This isn't self-deprecating talk or "Woe is me" type chatter. In fact, I liked realizing there was a distinct and large part of me that was tender (painfully so, sometimes), sensitive (poke me and will I not say 'Ow'?), and often overcome with feelings of powerlessness. I'm not someone who thinks "Hmmm, there is something wrong with this system. I can change that!" (emphasis on the "I"). These parts in me shy away from a competition, will avoid conflict like the plague, and cry if someone yells at me. I like these parts because it took some time and the wisdom of some wonderful people to help me feel safe showing these soft tender spots of mine. Not only was there beauty in revealing these parts but in accepting them. I saw that it was ok to be vulnerable (though not always comfortable or easy) and it was ok to cry (though I tended toward doing it privately).

Long ago, these parts for some reason must have buried themselves within due to not feeling safe enough to express them. When I was young, I got the message this it was not ok to be weak. Weak people were teased. Weak people were unpopular. Weak people were excluded. Unfortunately, that meant that those parts of me needed to be locked away for only a few people. What took their place were very tough parts. I believe that as these things were happening I was engrossed in shows such as WonderWoman, She-Ra, and Charlie's Angels. You don't need to be a shrink to know what these three shows have in common (besides sex appeal). These women were powerful. They kicked a**! They had all the right moves, asserted themselves and were beautiful to boot. Oh, to be one of these women! I wanted to be tough. I wanted to show no mercy. I wanted to show the world that I was not someone to mess with. This tough girl walked around the school halls with a scowl on her face so much so that when I realized that I didn't need "tough girl" anymore I had to practice relaxing my furrowed brows. This tough girl didn't give an inch in fear of someone taking advantage of her and hurting those deeper sensitive parts. If you were a boy, and I liked you, than you would certainly be the last to figure it out because I treated you like slime. (sorry, all you past crushes! I should have been nicer to you.)

For the most part, I am at peace with my soft parts AND my tough parts. The former is who God made me. He uses those parts to connect with other people's soft parts. The latter served the purpose of protecting those fleshy parts of me with an armor of sorts. An armor that I don't depend on as heavily. Sure, it comes out. Instead of looking vicious and angry, it looks confident and grounded. I'm ok with that. People can approach confident and grounded. I want to be approachable now. I'm not afraid of "those people" as much. I see other's human-ness and can connect it with my own (remember: soft spots!)

I have gone through periods of mourning that I ever needed those tough parts. Or that the tough parts had to be so...well, tough. We all need some protective skins but mine was that of an alligator. I kept the "bad people' away but I'm pretty sure that I kept a lot of good people away too. I just wasn't willing to take the risk when I was younger. Yet, there is a time for mourning and that is ok. Over the past 20 years or so, the Lord has shown me much. Tenderly. Gently. Sweetly. He romanced me to the point where I could allow the risk of pain for the wealth of having love (of Himself, of friends, of a husband). It is a sweet story, really. I welcome my weaknesses more and more. I certainly wouldn't have written this post if I had not. I enjoy being the girl--feminine and soft-hearted. I also like having a bit of sass to spice that girl up.

"well, have we got a show for you!"

2012-01-10T17:18:00.000-06:00

I was not a Christian growing up. So, as my kids are little there are very few songs that I know that are about Jesus or bible stories. When Judah got baptized, my MIL gave us a Veggie Tales video that we already had. So, I bounced on over to Lifeway where Mrs. Hogue bought it and exchanged it for a Veggie Tales music CD of toddler songs. A few months later, I got a Christmas Veggie Tales CD because I was anticipating the holiday season. Also, we bought David a sunday school songs Veggie Tales CD as one of his Christmas presents. We listen to VT nonstop in our van. David asks for it before he is even buckled in. We take very few breaks from it. Therefore, I am learning some great songs. We aren't talking profound theology bound in a solemn song (love those, too!) but short and easy songs that encapsulate a simple story (battle of jericho) or worshipful sentiment (God is great).

Some pretty deep thoughts come to me as I hear these simple songs, though. They are not devoid of wisdom. As I hear these simple but core truths of our faith with my tot, I think of how simple a child's faith is. Isn't that what Christ taught about--faith like a child! It is rather amazing that a child will trust his parents so wholly. So, for us to trust the Lord, our Father, with that kind of trust is indeed reason to rejoice! Nitpicking over certain theology does not matter in childlike faith. There is no room for it. It is merely "I am His; and He is mine" and "He loves me and I trust Him." Questioning the depth of someone's faith because they are pro infant baptism or against seems like not seeing the forest for the trees. I like theology. Love it, probably. How can I not and be presbyterian? However, the older I get, the more I see past the theology and look at the heart. What pleases the Lord? An acute knowledge of systematic theology or a soft heart for our neighbors? Does it please the Lord to recite the catechism more than to be humble when others treat you unjustly? Knowledge can be good and knowing the catechism can be helpful but it certainly is not all...not even close. Afterall, " We know that “We all possess knowledge.” But knowledge puffs up while love builds up. Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know." (1Corinthians 8:1)

A simple faith is all the Jesus requires. He calls many who can't do simple math. He loves those who are far from doing an indepth analysis of scripture. Isn't He gracious to give us all His Holy Spirit to help our souls understand the deep mysteries that are elusive to even the greatest minds? He will lift up those simple minded children of His in the last day! My heart can barely hold it together thinking about such joy! My heart just may burst!

try this one out

2012-01-09T08:39:00.000-06:00

Another weird dream. I was in Disney world where there was a ride that was chocolate-themed. If you have gone to Disney, you know that rides typically will end or start and end in a gift shop. That is why they are marketing geniuses. In my dream, you walked into a Swiss looking building where all kinds of beautifully shaped chocolates where on display in glass cases. There were workers giving samples as you walked around the museum part of the building. The ride was gondola-like through a history of chocolate of all sorts. It also was meant to feel as if you are traveling through a world made of chocolate (think; Willy Wonka's chocolate factory without as much whimsy and weirdness). What is funny about this dream is that I have had it before. It was the same imagery and idea.

How many of you are craving chocolate right now?

dream reflecting life

2012-01-06T13:46:00.001-06:00

A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I was at a house where lots of people were. Most of those people were not family but people who are somehow connected to family and David Sr. Besides the moment in the dream where there were loose cows and lions around that everyone was trying to capture without being eaten (give that analysis your best shot!), I spent the dream trying to hide away from all those people. Most of the time, for a reason that was unclear to me, I felt full-blown rage. Y'know, the kind of anger that comes when something happens that was unjust and yet out of your control. I was also on the verge of tears from feeling of hurt.

When I woke up, my neck muscles were on the verge of a spasm (treated with ben-jay and advil) and as if my body was trying to relax from the anger I had in the dream. It was interesting to see how much my dream, which didn't make much sense, affected my body in reality. That evening I was telling David about the dream and were contemplating if there were some new stressors in my life that might have led to an intense dream. The only thing that came to me was that David went back to work on Tuesday. Yet, the Saturday before was when he actually "left". David has a work mode that takes over and I know that once it shows up the vacation is over. He feels his work hanging over his head. He works to balance this with family time but I can tell that he is not present or enjoying himself b/c of these tasks that steal his attention. I was disappointed that even though we still had a few days before he had to go back to work, he was already in 'work mode'. As I was telling him this, some emotions that were an echo of what I felt in my dream surfaced. That was it. I have a small part of me that feels abandoned when David goes into 'work mode'. David and I both know that family is first yet I sometimes feel second with how much attention he gives work.

This isn't a post blaming david. This isn't a post blaming me, either. This is just a post about how these parts find a way to express what is there. Dormant emotions are not within a vacuum. They effect. They move. They stagnate, fester, and infect. The more intense the emotion and the further down it is buried, the harder it is to heal. I think of those clients of mine who were afraid to tap into the emotions that stemmed from pain long ago. They handled it the best they could long ago but it has not aired out. Those feelings don't disappear. They needed a voice. They needed an advocate. When they did not have one, they turned to other things to numb the pain in hopes of it going away.

I'm amazed with how connected the mind and body are. I'm also amazed with how complex people are with all of their individual experiences, memories, and genetic makeup. It was interesting (rather than disturbing) to my dream give me some insight into some emotions that I had not given any attention to.

Then again, maybe I shouldn't read the Hunger Games series before bed...

a moment to ponder

2012-01-05T18:09:00.000-06:00

I have a moment to write while the baby is asleep and david watches a cartoon. I've done a couple of chores and I'm fully capable of turning my attention to a blog post. ....Hmmm...what should I write about...? Parenting? Don't feel like going there. I always feel like broaching that subject takes a shot of whiskey and reckless abandonment with full armor. Should I get spiritual and talk about what is going on with my relationship with the Lord? Good stuff but I don't know that I feel like being that serious right now. I could post some pics of my children but I'm too lazy to upload them on the PC right now. I am always aware of my audience as I write these things. I am aware that with ANYTHING I write I open myself up to scrutiny and perhaps, criticism. My opinions (given less and less with every year) can be divisive. "Being Guitta" means that I will have opinions but I don't have to share those things if it means someone else will feel hurt by them or get defensive. On the other hand, I cannot control ONE BIT how people will respond to anything I say. I could say, "The moon is beautiful" and someone could silently accuse me of all manner of stupidity like "You hate the sun!" or "You are so dark and goth!" It is a stupid example to show that I can't stop speaking altogether for fear of offending someone. I often want to walk the middle line rather than take a stand on any topic when I am with others, ESPECIALLY when I know the topic to be one of personal conviction and not moral obligation. Still, I can't control what others see as an issue of morals (right and wrong) versus a decision a based on a person's own individuality. So, where should graciousness (silence) end and speaking up for truth begin? Ok, if you aren't dizzy yet then let me finish the job.

It seems to all come down to wisdom and love...or in order of priority--love and wisdom. I have (as have all of us) endured criticism--some of it outright and some of it subtle (not sure which is worse). Rather than turn the actual issue that is bugging someone into a place where I need to pick a side, bear arms, and defend my lines it would be loving and wise to remember where they are coming from and be patient with their approach. Do I have to agree with them in order to love them or be a peacekeeper? NO! I can still hold on to who I am, what I believe (or know in some cases), and feel good about my decisions. In my mind, I sense a constant pull between not offending others and not being superficial but honest on this blog. With God's wisdom and love perhaps I will balance this well. Then again, if this blog offends you, you certainly don't have to read it....

activities that align with "Being Guitta"

2012-01-04T15:07:00.000-06:00

I have begun a list of activities that I enjoy. One of those items is making lists, actually. Lists help me clear the clutter in my brain and helps me feel organized. According to research, clutter can decrease happiness. It makes sense to me. On my desktop of this laptop, I have five lists going. I am pretty sure where this list-making gene came from. Yes, you, Dad. :) It is a satisfying chore because it requires little physical labor and yet offers a feeling of organization. (see: Pinterest.com) I have lists of products that appeal to me. Why? I want to remember these objects when I have the money to spend on them. Otherwise, I won't remember and then I'll buy a shirt and hit my forehead (*ouch) when I realize "Shoot! I needed a roasting pan." I have lists of projects around the house that I would like to start or complete. I probably add more than I cross out. *Sigh* I have lists of things to do when my parents come into town. I have a list of Christmas gifts we bought for folks (with lots of love) just to make sure we stay within our budget. I love lists!

book plug

2012-01-03T16:35:00.001-06:00

I have been a member, albeit a silent member, of a book club. The first book that we read was the bestseller called "The Happiness Project". It rode on the wave of books that were written to document a year-long experience (see The Year of Living Biblically, Julie and Julia, and Eat, Pray, Love). According to the author, Gretchen Rubin, she was a lawyer (clerked for supreme court judge, Sandra Day O'Connor) and realized that, though she wasn't unhappy, she could increase her quality of life greatly. She did research (which apparently is her gift) on happiness and it was rather enlightening. The research wasn't enlightening but that she took it to heart and than aligned several personal resolutions in order to increase her own happiness. By increasing her own happiness she would thereby increase the happiness of those around her. Also, research shows that when you feel happy you do good and when you do good you feel happy. Pretty true and obvious but she was working to live it. It does sound selfish upon first thought but her resolutions are about making improvements to herself that only benefit others in turn.

This book inspired me. The ideas freed me up to pursue goals more proactively and thoughtfully. A few points that stood out to me that i would like to share are:

*Be Gretchen...um...I mean Guitta. Gretchen came back to this point again and again. Her interests are not someone else's and vice versa. It resonated with me that there are activities and interests that I think are good and cool to like but aren't something that I truly enjoy. There are lots of things that I wish I was interested in but would not be true to who I am. I think it would be a very intellectual and cool thing if I were to travel to exotic places, experiencing different parts of the globe. However, when I am honest with myself I'm not sure that I would enjoy it that much. I enjoy the conveniences of my small piece of the world. I've travelled enough to get it out of my system for now. I don't yearn to travel like so many cool people do. Global travel doesn't excite me but national travel does. I am being me. (Stretching and trying new things is also a resolution of Gretchen's, too).

*Things you enjoyed at 10 years old are probably pretty similar to what makes you happy today. Her example was she enjoyed cutting and gluing from magazines onto blank books. She began to do similar projects, in grown up versions, that she enjoyed.

This is just a very small sample of what is in store for the reader. I hope you pick it up. Tell me what you think, if you do.

2012, what do you have in store?

2012-01-01T18:41:00.004-06:00

I've made it no secret that I've struggled with anxiety on this blog. Besides, most of you who read it, I have already told. One of the downsides of anxiety (are there upsides?? Actually, yes but I don't have the time to talk about that tonight seeing as it is a half-hour until my toddler is getting a bath) is that it can lead me away from times of reflection. On first reading this, this sounds negative. Sometimes, it is. Sometimes, it keeps me from meditating on the Word before the Lord. However, it can also be said that I reflect or navel-gaze far too much so a break from such things is only good for me. Both are true.

Last night, being the last night of 2011 always brings reflection. There are shows all over the networks that want to outline the events of the past year. Ideally, I would spend time reflecting on my own year (good and bad) while praying over our new year, with some goals in mind. It was hard for me to do, however. I had a little more anxiety than usual last night so thoughts of the possibilities of 2012 seemed scary rather than hopeful. In order to prevent further anxious thoughts, I just put my time of reflection on the shelf for a time.

Christian women strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman. I certainly fall short since I wasn't "laughing at the time to come" (Prov. 31:25). Rather, I was visualizing for brief moments all the bad things that could be in store for us. Sickness? Loss of job? More anxiety? Death of a loved one? Financial crisis? Don't worry. My perspective isn't always skewed to the negative. I am humbled by how much room there is for my faith to grow. Perhaps, I never fully recovered from trauma of the unexpected bout with panic attacks. It was a blow I didn't see coming. I love the Lord but I certainly am a little more fearful of his next move. Shall I fear the Lord who brought such growth and blessing to me and my family? I fear the future but it would be wise of me to reflect on my past. In seeing how blessed I have been, I will then feel sure that the Lord has nothing but good planned for me (in various packages). Anxiety at its worst was horrible. My bigger fears is of its return. Nonetheless, even in that point of despair, I had extreme blessings beyond understanding. The Lord intervened in up close and personal ways for me at the worst parts. I remember that David went to work and I was on the bed crying and crying. I felt out of control and scared because of it. I didn't know what to do and I was calling for help to the Lord in my mind. In that moment, a friend called and said she was in town and wanted to stop by. I needed a friend to ground me in that moment. Another blessing was having a husband understand in a real way what was happening to me. I obsessed over whether I was losing my mind and yet David would remind me endlessly that I wasn't. He knew because he had gone through his own experience with panic. Anyone else would have lost patience with me and would have become fed up with my insecurity, fear, and neediness? Our first trial of marriage was my anxiety and it hit us early on (like within a couple weeks of marriage) and it forced a trust in my husband and a chance to see his metal that I would not have had for a long while on my own. The Lord allowed this time of sifting for me but not without support. He sent me a husband who would be exactly what I needed through such a dark time. All this to say, the Lord was still good through my suffering. Alright, so i did have time to talk about the good that came from my struggle with anxiety.

This brings me to 2012. Can I trust the Lord through those dark times that are sure to come (in different skins)? I don't always feel trusting but I must choose to. Still there?? Are ya'll still reading?? Because I am really just talking to myself. Do you preach to yourself? I often don't have the attention span to do this in my head but when I get the chance to write it down it often looks like this post. I start with full honesty and then reason through my real emotions and experiences through the grid of God's truth. So, there you go. 2012--I may not like you. I may hate you. However, there will be good things to glean from you because the Lord said so.

thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-23T16:13:00.001-06:00

Honestly, Thanksgiving was always my least favorite holiday. Growing up this day was just an excuse to get together with family. I looked forward to hanging out with my cousins but the day itself was just another day off from school. The last few years that has changed for me. I love that there is a season on our calendars dedicated to being grateful. It is very obvious that many people do not take advantage of this time to think on those things that they are thankful for. I was one of those people. Now, I LOVE it. In fact, this year I plan on forcing my relatives at my parent's house to tell us at least one thing they are thankful for. They don't know this yet though so I hope no one embittered with life hates me for requesting they think thankful thoughts. I am thankful for so much. The good Lord has shown me so much about thankfulness and contentment. We are NOT to wait for our circumstances or the people around us to be perfect before we are thankful for them. We are to look for those blessings within others and life that are there and pointing to the God who gave them so graciously and cheerfully. They are there but you must recognize them. Yes, this can be hard. I came across the verse the other day that says, "Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name." (Hebrews 13:15). Praise can be hard. Praise can feel as though I am lying through my teeth. My heart can be grieved or angry and to praise God in the midst of that is what feels like torture. To choose to see the blessings in the midst of trial can be difficult, to say the least. Yet, those blessings exist. They exist in the circumstances of life which for us are laboring day and night caring for our little ones and pouring ourselves into them while working to keep a roof over our head and food on our table. They exist in the people we meet and live with. That person that turns you off has the image of God within them. They are valuable. Broken, but valuable. Do you choose to rejoice over that image within them or complain in your heart about their flaws? Ok, so let me steer away from my preachiness to tell you what I am so very thankful for this year.

(1) I've been married for over 5 years to a man that acts more like Jesus than any other person I have ever met. I admire him more than words can express. I have changed and grown through his daily example to me of patience and kindness. (I was worse than this 5 yrs ago :))

(2) My two boys have filled my heart with so much AWE! I am in awe that I have the privilege to care for these two precious people. I am in awe of how they grow and love and learn. I am in awe of how I enjoy motherhood.

(3) I am continually thankful to see the Lord meet our needs financially. Sometimes it is tight. Sometimes it isn't. But either way, He has cared for us whether it be through a timely check or some savvy grocery spending or generous parents.

(4) I am thankful for internet and television. I realize what is a vice for many is hardly a virtue. But it has given me distraction from those thoughts that loom and threaten to overwhelm me. I can't help but feel grateful for it.

(5) I am unbelieveably thankful for new friends that I've made through a couple of groups I got involved with. They are a daily dose of support, encouragement, and laughter. Thank you, AP, Redeemer, and LLLadies.

I hope all of you find yourself with not enough time in the day to list all things that you are thankful for. It is a good place to be.

"I long for transformation"

2011-11-10T17:13:00.001-06:00

Jo of Little Women is the one who says that (in the movie, anyway. I read the book 3x but I don't remember if those particular words were there). I find myself longing for similar things. Then again, I've always identified with Jo. She was the awkward, less than frilly girl who would rather hang with the boys than be dainty and demure. Adventurous and a visionary is what she was. Her hair was her "one true beauty". She was rough around the edges but passionate about life. I can relate to all of these. Her struggle throughout her early years was finding her place--finding where her gifts were best suited. She thought it would be in writing that great novel but in the end it came in educating alongside her professor husband (seeing the similarities yet??) a group of boarding children. FYI: Little Men is an excellent book about those boys.

I am where I could never imagine I would be. I am married with children. I am content here. I am in awe of the beauty of this calling that motherhood is. I get to fall in love with this man that I marry. We grow in sync and become the "bestest" of friends. We have babies and I get to fall in love all over again. I'm amazed at how beautiful it all is. This is my primary calling at this point and the Lord is using this stage of life to teach me so much. I see the fruit of the spirit that I lack and am seeing how I daily need His sustenance to bring about the needed gentleness, patience, and self-control with my children. There is a lot of messing up going on; therefore, a bunch of repentence and forgiveness.

Even with this hard and wonderful calling of motherhood, I find myself wanting to be creative. I want to use my hands and brain. If I don't get to, I begin to wither. It refreshes me to do such things. I dream of taking creativity to new heights. I wonder how this desire can be used in God's kingdom. My prideful heart wants it used in big ways where many are affected and influenced but lately I think my circle of influence is small. Meaningful but small. It is SO good for me. If I were to have the sphere of influence that I want- there will be a whole load of other issues that will come with it. I am looking for ways to use my gifts in new ways--ways that I can effectively accomplish with my primary tasks as well as encourage or inspire others (just one person is enough).

I'm thankful that the Lord is most effectual in using His chidren's gifts. He doesn't want them wasted. He may give our gifts a hiatus but only to further refine them and perfect us. So, I will wait to see how the Lord will continue to use me in my small sphere of influence. Transformation will come, but as with dear Jo, it will likely come in a package I do not expect.

the GREAT great pumpkin

2011-10-18T11:26:00.002-05:00

I've grown up being a Charlie Brown fan. I read the comic strips and faithfully watched "Charlie Brown Christmas" and "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". Many of you have too, I imagine. As a grown up I greatly favor the Christmas special over the halloween one. This isn't because of any great conviction about halloween being satan's holiday or anything like that. I just think the storyline is more smooth and connected in the Christmas special than the halloween one (why are we watching Snoopy fly an airplane for 10 minutes???). But it occured to me this year why Charles Schultz is a genius (and possibly why I am as dull as dirt that I didn't understand this much earlier). I don't remember why I was thinking about the Great Pumpkin in the spring but just know that my thoughts are as random as the lottery numbers each week. Forgive me if I insult your intelligence with my bit of enlightenment. You might have figured this out long before but just rejoice that I finally caught on. :) Charles "freakin' genius" Schultz made a Santa Claus type character for Halloween. Then proceeded to prove its illegitimacy. AAAAND he did this without insulting any hardcore Santa people. Let me explain. The Great Pumpkin (GP) is a bit of lore that Linus clung to with admirable dedication. GP brought presents to little boys and girls who believed him and were "good". Linus stayed all night in the pumpkin patch, foregoing the pleasures of the season--trick-or-treating, costumes, candy--to please the GP. The non-existent GP obviously doesn't show. Mr. Schultz could never be as obvious about his views of Santa Claus and had a successful cartoon. People would hate him for it. People love using Santa Claus at Christmas. So, he was subtle. He was slick. He made it harmless yet he made it. We see Linus' misplaced devotion. We see his struggle with whether or not he was good enough to receive the approval of GP. Ahhhh. Hats off to you, Charles Schultz. Well played!

let me teach you about a concept known as 'taste aversion'

2011-10-12T08:10:00.001-05:00

If there is ever a food or beverage that you would like to eradicate from your diet than be sure to eat it then have a very uncomfortable time afterwards throwing it up. Have you ever known anyone who drank too much tequila, got sick, and swore off tequila for life? They developed a taste aversion to it. All of us have had these experiences (not necessarily with liquor). My husband got sick after eating at one of my favorite burger joints. Now he won't go back. Taste Aversion is such a neat survival mechanism. In the wild, when an animal eats something bad for them and get sick they will avoid it the next time they come across it. In fact, sheep farmers will use this to their advantage. They will coat the sheep's wool with a chemical that will cause vomiting if ingested. All it takes after that is for one sheep to die for all the coyotes or wolves to avoid that farmer's other sheep.

Five years ago I made a beautiful roast with vegetables in my new crockpot. It was my first time using a crockpot that was a wedding present from our wedding two or so months earlier. I ate some of it for dinner and around 11pm, lots of yuckiness ensued. I'll spare the details but just know it wasn't just vomiting--yeah, are you with me? On top of all that ickiness, I was having a panic attack.

T-R-A-U-M-A!

Haven't touched the crockpot since then.

Until yesterday. Five years later, I make my attempt to use the crockpot and rid myself of this taste aversion. For a few years, if I even looked at the crockpot I would feel sick. The association between that crockpot (and the stewed roast) was far too strong. I couldn't eat anything that looked like what I cooked that night too. So, many moons later I am able to look at the crockpot and use it. Mind you, I made my debut with a recipe that looked very different from roast and veggies. I made a white chili that involved chicken instead of beef. I made it. I ate it. I didn't get sick. Phew!

What do you have a taste aversion to?

one of the scariest moments of my life

2011-10-10T16:21:00.000-05:00

The scene: Esther's home in Monroe

Back story: David and I took the boys down to Monroe because David's longtime friend was getting hitched in Ruston. David was a groomsman. Friday night after the rehearsal dinner he intended to hang back while Mrs. Hogue and I (and the baby) left so that he could get some hang out time with his old friend at a coffee shop. David planned to be home (Esther's, that is) by 12:30. I planned to be in dreamland with both boys.

At 2a.m. I awoke. Not so strange for a mother to wake up with young children but neither child had stirred and so I wasn't sure why I woke up. As I settled myself back down to sleep I realized that I didn't know what time it was but thought, "David is probably back and asleep." At the last minute, I decided to lift my lazy head up to see if he was indeed home. I did. And he wasn't. No reason to panic. I didn't know what time it was. Afterall, I could have been asleep for merely 15 minutes. I got up to look at the clock-- 2:05am. I decided to see if David decided to sleep on the couch since little David was stretched out on the bed. Not there. I checked to see if the van was here and perhaps he was locked out and didn't want to wake anyone--nope. As I walked by Mrs. Hogue and Esther's room, Mrs. Hogue whispered out my name. She asked if David was home and I informed her he wasn't and it was late. She reports that her phone rang with a number she didn't recognize but no one replied. That was 15 minutes earlier. Esther, Mrs. Hogue and I were all up. All the boys (including Jim) continued to sleep.

I left my phone in Mrs. Hogue's car so I went looking for it. In the meantime, Mrs. Hogue and Esther were trying to find the number on her iPhone of the call that came in about 20 or so minutes earlier. I found my phone easily but--no calls. The last time I talked to David he told me his phone was about to die. (I happened to call him from Esther's phone because, again, my phone was in Mrs. Hogue's car--this is important). I tried his number anyway and was sent immediately to voicemail--his phone died. Mrs. Hogue poured me some wine because I was starting to panic. Where was he? What is wrong? What if he is hurt? Or worse?

Our next plan was to try to contact his friend, the groom. I didn't have his number but I was his facebook friend. He is also someone who happened to put his number on his facebook page (forever grateful for that!). I called (yes, poor guy is getting a call from me at 2:30am the night before his wedding) and no answer. I called again and this time left a msg. He called back. I asked him when they left the coffee shop in Ruston and he says that they left 5 min. to midnight. Take a half-hour out for traveling back to Monroe and he should have been home at 12:30 or so. Something is wrong! Now I'm visibly upset.

Mrs. Hogue suggested calling the local hospital and police station to see if there was any news that way. Do you know how scary that is? I didn't want there to be any news that way yet I wanted to know where he was. No news after calling both and I'm still left without peace. Just because he isn't in a hospital doesn't mean he isn't hurt. The images that were flashing through my mind were terrifying me. I prayed. I prayed in phrases. "Lord, bring him home."/"Mind, body, and soul safe"/"Give him wisdom"/"Keep him safe." Pacing the floor as the calls were being made.

Images of David's car crashed on the side of the road unseen or him stranded somewhere circled. Then I am seeing David held at gunpoint or beaten or carjacked. I'm so scared that he is hurt. Or worse. Pacing. Praying.

Esther starts getting dressed to get in the car looking for him. I tell her that I want to go but she says I should stay in case the kids wake up and she knows Monroe better than I do. I couldn't argue with that but I longed to get out and look for him. As she is getting dressed, my cell rings. A number I don't know. I answer. "Hello?" On the other end: "Oh, thank the Lord." He is alive!! It took me a moment to recognize his voice--perhaps because his voice was tired and strained. I was also probably half-expecting it to be someone else giving me news (bad news) of my husband. I gave the phone to Esther so that she could give him directions and I crumbled. I lost all control of my emotions and cried my eyes out.

Here is what happened: David got to Monroe--even Esther's neighborhood but could not remember the street name and could not find the house. His phone was dead so he could not call directly. He stopped at a gas station but their phone line was not working right because he would get an operator everytime he dialed my number (wouldn't have reached me anyway because at that time my phone was in the car). He didn't know his sister's or mother's number by heart. No such luck. Poor guy was getting angrier and angrier at his circumstances. He prayed and grumbled. Can you imagine circling around so early in the morning? I hated that for him (but glad it was that and not pain or death). He then ended up at a hotel where they warily let him use their phone. I had mine. He assumed my phone was dead because I called from Esther's earlier that evening. He was surprised when I picked up. Thankful that my phone wasn't dead and that I picked up, but sad that he knew that meant that I was worried--he explained his evening. He never called Mrs. Hogue. So what of that random caller from a number that she could not find record of in her phone afterwards?--I believe a stellar move from our Lord who woke her up. The Lord also woke me up to discover that my husband was missing and needing prayer. I also needed to get my phone from the car so that I could be there to receive his call. The Lord heard my husband's prayers (and grumblings) and worked it out for him to come home. Otherwise, he would have stayed at the hotel and I would have been worried beyond all reason. When he finally got home, I ran out to the car and cried my eyes out again. I couldn't help it. He felt so bad that we were so worried. We offered him some liquid consolation to help de-stress him.

He was safe and home. Yet, I could not sleep that night. My body was still coursing with adrenaline and, at that point, anxiety. It would take awhile for my body to catch up with my mind and figure out that it was ok to rest. The fear of losing my husband was less terrifying to me than the idea that my husband, that I love, was hurt, afraid, or suffering. I could hardly stand the thought of him in pain. It was definitely one of those moments that revealed to me just how much David means to me. He is absolutely the love of my life. I'm writing this a week later because I could not allow myself to think about those moments. It was high on the scale of awful moments. It was intense and scary plus I was helpless but for prayer. I hope to never be in that place again. But if and when I am I know that the Lord is watching over us. I'm so thankful for His involvement. Also thankful for Esther and Mrs. Hogue for walking beside me in those dark moments for me. I'm thankful that it was a relatively short period of time.

2011-09-11T17:07:00.000-05:00

*pop*

that is the sound of my bubble popping. it is the sound of the spell being broken. I grew up believing that the men (there were mostly men back then) with the white coats and stethoscopes had the last say on all things. they told you matter-of-factly what was wrong with you and gave you a medicine to fix it--very Norman Rockwell.

my ideas about the medical community are less than idealistic now. I'm so glad for that. It would appear that doctors don't know everything. Now--that is obvious, isn't it? But a lot of us still live in the culture that will trust the doctor to tell how to raise our kids as if they have the corner on the market on wise parenting. I now question (in my heart and mind) just about everything that they say. Ok, not everything but a lot. These folks need accountability. I want people to realize that just because the doctor said doesn't mean that it is true. VERIFY your information. Get a second opinion, for goodness sake.

I have been fortunate to have a beautiful nursing experience with both of my boys. This success in breastfeeding was in spite of my pediatrician rather than because of him. This well-meaning and very kind doctor had ancient information about nursing that, I imagine, hurt a lot of new mother's nursing experience. His inaccurate information (nurse for only 15 minutes because that is all he needs) lessened my milk supply and caused my son to stop gaining weight (of ultra importance since he was a preemie). He didn't understand the mechanics of breastfeeding. Many doctors don't, esp. those educated earlier than a few years ago. Recently, a woman in MS was told that her breastmilk was second to formula. WHAT??? This was a woman who had a good nursing relationship already going with her 12 wk. old. It isn't like he was trying to tell her that to alleviate any momma-guilt. That information is false and stems from a very outdated misconception dating back to the 50's.

So, pediatricians do not need to give parenting advice. Just fix my sick kid and we are good. OBGYN's and hospitals should stop dictating what a mama should do with her birthing experience (unless there is a high risk). There is so much information and research out there about what makes for a healthy and good birthing experience and it usually doesn't require as much intervention as some hospitals (or all if you are in mississippi) want to give you. Why do they want to give it? liability and greed (or is being afraid of being liable also greed?).

There are so many "booby traps" in place in hosptials that make it easy for a mama to quit trying breastfeeding. Hospitals (and obviously the formula companies) are too quick to offer formula to a mom who is frustrated b/c she is feeding her baby every hour. Why is she frustrated? Likely because some unknowing nurse or doctor told her that she should be feeding her baby only every 2 or 3 hours. that is also wrong--that is what you do for formula fed babies who take longer to digest their food. Because breastmilk is so easily digestible by the baby's tummy they need to eat more frequently. But now mama thinks she isn't producing enough milk to fill her baby so she starts supplementing with formula. The pain of nursing is also something that can be helped and taken care of yet mothers are not told that they can get around that but just opt to reach for that free sample of formula that was given to them. Some are just so misinformed about just how beneficial breastmilk is and for how long it is. (it doesn't stop being good for your baby at 6mos.-- in fact it is recommended for at least 2 years).

I'm using parenting/breastfeeding issues because I happen to come across these more often. But it is just scratching the surface of the medical community as a whole. Patients have to take responsibility for their health and treatment. Not too long ago my mother, who was having back/neck/knee problems went to a doctor for help. He offered her shots to help with the pain. Not novacaine, mind you, but big deal epidural type shots. He never suggested exercises, or even physical therapy. After a few months, my parents brought it up to the dr. and he said it was a good idea. why didn't he suggest that from the beginning that which was most helpful to her?

I haven't finished watching it but I plan to but I think I want to recommend to everyone to watch the documentary "The Business of Being Born". So far it has captured my thoughts about our medical system. Health care reform would not be so bad if it meant that hospitals weren't charging an arm and a leg so that third-party payers will dish out the funds. Eventually, this ups our costs of health insurance. I'm over it.

As an aside-I have trouble being coherent these days so my thoughts are all over the place. My best blogposts are composed in my head while I'm driving. Those never make it to the computer screen the same way. oh well.

P.S. I am not a doctor hater. In fact, I have a respect for the work and studying that goes into that profession. I also know that there are doctors that are more humble and /or more educated than others. It is a case-by-case basis where these individuals are actually taught poorly in schools or within their residencies.

some encouraging thoughts (from other people)

2011-08-16T06:52:00.000-05:00

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one’s ‘own,’ or ‘real’ life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one’s real life—the life God is sending one day by day; what one calls one’s ‘real life’ is a phantom of one’s own imagination. This at least is what I see at moments of insight: but it’s hard to remember it all the time.”
~C. S. Lewis

"A mother…by her planning and industry night and day, by her willfulness of love, by her fidelity, she brings up her children. Do not read to me the campaigns of Caesar and tell me nothing about Napoleon’s wonderful exploits. For I tell you that, as God and the angels look down upon the silent history of that woman’s administration, and upon those men-building processes which went on in her heart and mind through a score of years;—nothing exterior, no outward development of kingdoms, no empire-building, can compare with what mother has done. Nothing can compare in beauty, and wonder, and admirableness, and divinity itself, to the silent work in obscure dwellings of faithful women bringing their children to honor and virtue and piety."
~Henry Ward Beecher

These quotes remind me that it is a high yet humbling calling to be a mother. I also see that it is a messy one. Tasks do not go as hoped or planned. Hiccups and roadblocks will happen. It is the nature of motherhood (and life).

vans, vegetables, and vacations

2011-08-09T17:59:00.000-05:00

How did these months pass so quickly. David headed back to school this week and I am reflecting on (as I am prone to do) on the summer past. It was busy. Sure, some folks think that because David is a teacher his summers are full of leisure. We wish. Not so but it is rather productive (or as productive as we can be with a toddler and an infant). Our summer involved selling our car to purchase a van (a transaction that amazingly happened on the same day--I thought it would take forever to sell our car from craigslist but I am still getting calls about that car). Our van, or swagger wagon, has made things easier, esp. in terms of packing up for trips. Oh the room! It is fabulous. We are also enjoying all the storage compartments and power doors.

Before Judah arrived, I rented a tiller and David tilled a part of our yard for a garden. We were well advised by the folks at Lakeland Yard and Garden center and have a had a great harvest of tomatoes, cukes, squash, and okra. We had a great harvest of parsley but caterpillers ate it before I could harvest it. Bell peppers didn't do as well but there is always next year. I look forward to it. It has been a joy to tend.

We got to go to gulf shores for a little R & R with my parents. It has been the first time going on vacation since David was born so although it was fun it was also not a trip to the beach as we remember it. We've entered into a new stage of life. We loved being in such a beautiful setting, in a great condo. David Jr. enjoyed the beach and the pools with his daddy. David took a course this summer that kept him pretty busy. He took his required translation exam and passed with flying colors. That was not a surprise to his wife who sees him work so hard. I'm proud of my intelligent husband who is passionate about latin and all things related.

We have been married 5 years now. What a jam-packed few years it has been. I'm continually grateful for this relationship the Lord blessed me with. I don't deserve it but I'm thrilled to have a godly husband and now these two precious children. More on that later (maybe--if i get around to it).

I never really look forward to David going back to work but here are some things I do look forward to:
-- a regular schedule
--cooler weather
--pecans! from our trees
--delicious apples and all things pumpkin
--a wedding for David's friend
--Judah's baptism
--David's 31st birthday soon after
--mama's bible study starting back up
--holidays!!

Happy August!

secret identity

2011-08-09T13:16:00.000-05:00

I love being a mom...mostly. Sure there are weeds to pull up, and the toil (oh the toil) of backbreaking (esp. with my hulking boys) work that comes with parenting. But as my little tykes sleep (at the same time, like they are now so that I can write you this post) I am filled to the brim with joy, thankfulness, and love. Can any other occupation be so emotionally complex as parenthood? One of the major downsides to parenthood for me has been the constant scrutiny I am under for how we choose to parent. No, this is not a post on why I am justified in choosing my parental methods. That is another post for another day (and that day may be a long way away). This is really about my personal response to such scrutiny. I confess that I like people's approval. Nay, I LOVE people's approval. I yearn for it more than I like to admit, even to myself. Do I know that it is empty? In my head I do. I know that people's opinions are like chaff in the wind--it changes direction in a heartbeat, swaying to and fro. But this is an emotional addiction that probably dates back to before I even started talking.

So, with the scrutiny comes what I interpret as disapproval and judgement. With disapproval and judgement comes a drop in confidence and a rise in insecurity. Apparently, as is becoming more clear to me, I find my identity in others approval. When others think I'm ok than I feel ok. This has the potential of turning me into an approval junkie.

However, the Lord loves to place us just outside our comfort zone. So in my parenting adventure I have received much input. Some of that input is uneducated and/or unhelpful. Yet, I am faced with the knowledge that So-and-so believes me to be a poor parent. I am faced, therefore, with my idol. Yet another "golden calf" in my life. It takes practice for myself to let go of the approval that falsely promises me love and peace. I want my identity to be found in stronger stuff. The stuff of Christ. His approval is all that matters and I receive it freely because I believe Him when He tells me that He loves me (and my family), is shaping me, and will complete that work in me. God's peace is long-lasting whereas others' approval is so short-lived. If you don't have God's peace, seek it whole-heartedly.

surviving the first month, part II

2011-06-07T15:21:00.000-05:00

As smooth as my transition to two kids has been, there have been a couple of rough spots. The first was how to keep my toddler occupied whilst not watching too much PBS during the times when I was tending to the baby. For the most part, I would say I failed at this on my own. The second challenge was napping. David Jr.'s ritual was washed away when Judah came. I was successful getting David down for a nap a few times but it was just too difficult and it sort of felt like the moons had to align in order for that to really work. He would either miss his nap and be a big crank the rest of the afternoon or take a late one and be up late at night. The only place that I had some guarantee was the car. So, toward the end of the month I loaded up the car daily and David would fall asleep. I would either drive around or come home and sit in the driveway with a book to read or nurse Judah. I didn't even want to risk transferring him to his bed at that point. One time, I attempted an at-home nap and failed. I just went about the day as usual. At 4pm, I noticed that my son was awfully still at my feet. I was sitting in my beige rocker in the corner. I saw that he fell asleep on the floor. That has never ever EVER happened. My high-needs child fell asleep on the floor without help. Well, I thought it was adorable. It will likely not happen again for awhile but it was so sweet. He was too tuckered out to fight the nap.

Napping is still hard but for different reasons. David is home for the summer which had me thinking this would get easier, however, Jr. threw us a curveball, as most children do. We are in the midst of figuring out what is going on with him that this change is occuring, what he needs, and what we can do about it. He isn't wanting to go to sleep yet he is very sleepy some days. So, I don't think he is doing away with his naps altogether. Some days, like yesterday, he rested with his daddy on the bed and then was up-and-at-'em like he had a full nap. We tried to put him to bed at his regular time but he didn't go to sleep until 3 hours later. We are baffled. Hopefully we'll start to see some sort of cause-n-effect pattern and respond accordingly.

We are highly motivated. He isn't the only one needing a nap...

surviving the first month, part I

2011-05-29T16:06:00.000-05:00

I am surprised to say that the transition to two kids so far has been much easier than anticipated. The hard stuff of transitioning was already passed when we had our firstborn, David. So, Judah was just a tiny addition of responsibility. A welcome one, at that. He is so darling. Incredibly laid back and fusses when there is only a clear problem and easily consoled. In the class I teach (human growth & development) there are three types of temperaments that babies have (and are usually stable throughout their life) and they are: easy, slow-to-warm-up, and difficult. Undeniably, Judah is an easy baby who has already (and pretty early) shared his smiles with us. He allows us to put him down more often and his cries are not intense compared to what his older brother's were when he was that little. I am amazed how early you can see their personalities. If you are going to have kids (which I highly suggest you do, if married) then I also highly suggest you have more than one. Having Judah has helped me understand some of my past experiences with David. I am able to do some healthy comparing and contrasting. For instance, I gained perspective about David as an infant. There were always seeds of doubt about whether I made David into a fussy infant. Was I, in our attachment parenting philosophy, creating a difficult child to raise? The answer is no, happily. I can see clearly now that David's temperament was not a figment of my imagination and it wasn't my fault. I can only see that because of how different Judah is. Cool, right? Their need levels were different and I could only know that this was a normal thing to deal with by having two of them. Oh, the lessons we'll learn with the more we have and the older they get!

After my firstborn, I desired my "me" time. Well, I long got used to not having as much of that. After Judah, what I miss is more couple time. I find myself planning and looking forward to times when David and I can have dates that don't require a nursing break. This is mainly because we are two-on-two. I handle Judah mostly and David handles David Jr. mostly. So, my husband and I are not together as much. This is a normal challenge of this phase and it will be over likely before I am truly ready to see my kids outgrow that kind parenting but I do look forward to couple time. The summer will be better because David is thankfully a teacher with summers off (mostly--he has an online course to complete). He'll be around and that will be GREAT!

David (husband) has found himself in the first month feeling oh-so-bonded with David Jr. Whereas, I was completely and utterly in love with Judah. It is hard to compete with a cuddly and adorable newborn. I have struggled with all sorts of mixed feelings about my toddler, in the meantime. When I am feeling patient and rested, I am able to sympathize with my toddler's transitions from his perspective. However, when my toddler is particularly challenging I want to get away from him. This is all the more complicated because this is the son that I was so bonded to prior to Judah's arrival. I feel sad, then guilt, then good. Kind of a crazy mix of emotions. Again, I have read enough to know that these complicated and conflictual emotions are a normal part of transitioning but just because it is normal doesn't mean it is comfortable or fun. I'm thankful at these times that David's daddy is his playmate (a great one at that). I see the genius in God design, don't you?

wasn't what the dr. ordered

2011-04-30T12:51:00.000-05:00

Everyone loves a good birth story, right? So, here is mine. I'll do my best to tell it well.

First, I would like to say, "I told you so." I've been saying that I didn't think I would make it to term. I was pretty uncomfortable early on in my third trimester and looked as big or bigger than other ladies who were due after me. It just didn't add up. Also, lets not forget all the passersby and strangers that would tell me that I was going to have a baby any day now. Honestly, I was ok if the baby came a few weeks early as long as it was after 34 wks. And I was 36wks when my water broke this time. I was told by my doula that this was due to the full moon. And when I did arrive at the hospital I was one of the first of about 37 births in those couple of days. So maybe there is something to that.....

Alright, here is how it happened. My brother-in-law, Samuel was over for a little bit and was visiting with David around 10:30. I went to bed (being uncomfortable and pregnant and all) and was reading to wind down. As I read, I felt something shift in my belly and swo-ooosh! Warm liquids escaped me. There was no question at that point what it was. I got up quietly (our 2yr old sleeps on a mattress on the floor of our bedroom) and went to tell David. He sprang into action calling the hospital and our babysitter. I tried to get my head in gear for packing what essentials I thought were needed. Up to that point I started packing but didn't finish. I didn't feel any contractions which meant that I had no idea how long we were going to be in the hospital. Afterall, when my water broke with David Jr. I was in there a week. Still, I didn't think they would do that this time since I wasfurther along. I packed what I could think of and felt sad to be leaving my little boy. I even took one of his stuffed animals with me as a comfort to me. We got to the hospital around 11:45pm. By that time, amniotic fluid was everywhere. My shoes were sopping as if I were running through rain puddles. Yes. It was disgusting. And embarrassing. Check-in was quick. The ER was completely deserted except for the staff. Glad for that since I had sopping wet pants.

On the drive up to the hospital, I became aware of contractions. Nothing to painful. Just enough to notice. By 12, I was in the hospital bed and checking the clock. The contractions were coming about every 5 to 7 minutes. They had to check my cervix and I find this to be very painful. Apparently, my cervix was "posterior" so they had to really hurt me to feel that I was not even a centimenter dilated. I was feeling thirsty and hungry around 1pm but all they would give me were ice chips. I was regretting that I ate such a light dinner and wishing I had downed the water that was on my bedside table before I left. David offered to sneak me food but I wasn't sure about it and opted to wait. Boy, that came back to haunt me.

The doctor on call wanted to put me on Staydol (sp?) because reportedly a couple of hours in the womb could further help the baby's lung functioning. I asked to think about it. My birth plan excluded staydol b/c it really doped me up with the last delivery. Finally, with David's help, I decided to take it but asked for half the dosage that was typical (I am particularly sensitive to meds--it takes very little for me to feel the effects). This was actually a good move b/c it allowed me to sleep for a couple of hours (maybe three). I would need that rest. Up to that point, I was fine with the contractions. By 5 something, we asked the doula to make her way over. I was in more pain at that point. I had to stop to breathe through them. The nurse came in at some point (the time is blurry) and announced that I was to be put on pitocin. I adamantly refused it. I didn't see what the point of pitocin was at that point. Not to mention that these contractions were coming much faster, even 2 minutes apart sometimes. After that, things started rolling. Contractions came on harder and faster and I was more and more ready for my epidural. I vaguely noticed that it was light outside between the contractions. While contracting I was feeling very faint. I remember telling whoever was there (husband, doula, nurse) that I was going to faint. David explained to the nurse that I sometimes have low blood sugar. With all that laboring and no nourishment--it is no wonder! The nurse brought me some apple juice and I was so thankful that she "broke the rules" for me with that. I felt better able to labor with some sugar in me. Contractions were hard!   The doula suggested I sit on the toilet to see if it would help. It was ok but nothing was really going to make me feel better but an epidural. It was getting to the point that no amount of massaging on the back was helping the pain. Very very intense. I was begging for the epidural as I was digging my nails into my poor husband's arm. I even told him to go out in the hall and get him. They told me that I was third in line to get the epidural. I kept hoping beyond hope that he would come before the next contraction. After each contraction at this point, I am despairing and whimpering, "I can't do this" and begin crying. Both the doula and David were encouraging me and telling me that not only can I but I was doing this. Even thinking about this point in labor is tough. I was a pathetic sight to see, I'm sure. I didn't realize this until after Judah was born but I was in transition. Most of you readers know that this is the worst part of labor where every mother wants to turn back. And yes, it is true. I was at the end of my rope and still no anesthesiologist and no epidural. Between contractions (which were such short times) I am in another world. Everything outside my own body is a blur. People are talking to me and I'm barely cognizant of them. They are just voices coming into my consciousness from far away. They tell me that the epidural guy is there. I wanted to curse him out and ask what took so long--no energy to do that.

Here is the clincher. I'm having the worst contractions of my labor and the doctor wants me to get into an uncomfortable position and keep absolutely still while giving my drugs. I am desparate for drugs but while he is doing all his prep work I cannot keep still. I am all over the bed. The nurse is telling me to "blow away the pain" and "go to my happy place". I wanted to hit her. I never felt more patronized in my life than in that moment. I'm glad I didn't hit since she was a nice lady. :) I hear the anesthesiologist losing his patience with me and I'm wondering if getting the shot is even possible anymore. The nurse is holding me and I'm doing my darndest to concentrate through the pain. I'm actually praying. Ok, this is important to me because I can't say that I would have thought that when push comes to shove, in such extreme pain that the Lord would come to mind but He did. I was able to tell the Lord that I didn't think I was going to make it through a contraction while getting the epidural and basically pleading for help. He gave.   He is gracious. When the dr. was ready to prick me, I was not having a contraction or at least not as an intense one. Oh, I have no idea how that happened but it did. I kid you not--it was a miracle.

With labor with David Jr. I was able to rest about 3 or 4 hours after getting the epidural before pushing. Imagine my surprise when I feel the urge to push almost immediately after receiving the epidural. I was telling David that I needed to rest and that I didn't want to push. I was whining it more like it. David didn't realize that I was as far along as I was and told me not to push-thinking that I wanted to push before being dilated enough. The urge was strong and I just ignored everyone (except my doula who was whispering to me to listen to my body) and pushed. I pushed while on my left side and it felt great! I guess a better way to describe it is that it felt oh-so-right. The nurse, who was well intentioned but not helpful, kept telling me to move to my side and then my back and then my side and then my back, etc. She was explaining that there was still a pocket of amniotic fluid in my belly that was slowing down labor (this was slow??!!!). I wanted her to leave me alone. I opened my eyes for a second and saw a lot of people in the room getting it ready. The stirrups came out and I was pushing. I felt burning (found out later that for natural labor this is called the ring of fire--yeah, ouch) and then relief. The dr. gave me a novacaine shot in the perineum to help with the pain of stretching. Judah came out and I was almost too tired to even look at him. I was really happy to hear him crying. I didn't hear David cry when he was born so I knew that Judah had good lungs on him. It was a sweet sound. I was also happy to hear that I didn't get an episiotomy (like last time) and I didn't tear. Whew! That makes all the difference in recovery! They cleaned everything up and I was able to rest. A little while later my epidural set in and I couldn't feel my thighs. I totally think I shouldn't have to pay for an epidural that was not helpful. However, that is likely not to happen.

The next day my OBGYN told me that she got onto the anesthesiologist about not getting to me earlier. I appreciated the acknowledgment that he was needed earlier. Judah was doing well in all his screenings except one, the hearing one. He was referred to an audiologist and I go with him on tuesday. I was told that he most likely failed the tests due to his wakefulness during the process. Whatever that means. Also, we were told that this is common b/c there is lots of fluid behind the ears for preemies. But despite that everything was great. I felt great. Folks said I looked great and so we went home a day early. Because as anyone who has been in a hospital knows--there is no rest for the weary in there. I knew that I would sleep better through the night at home.

re-covered dining room chairs

2011-04-07T20:03:00.000-05:00

I have had these chairs since we lived in belhaven with the intention of re-covering them. Well, it took me two years to decide on a fabric and then find that fabric at a price that I could justify paying. The moons and planets aligned and I was able to get the red patterned fabric shown (along with some fabric for curtains in the kitchen and laundry room). The chair on the right is what the old fabric looked like. I just covered over it. I didn't even bother taking the old fabric off. I'm a little scared to re-cover the seat that david jr.'s high chair sits on for obvious reasons but I will eventually do that. However, I will probably cover the chair with some sort of clear plastic just to protect it.

the tale of a tile backsplash and how a husband was victorious

2011-04-07T19:55:00.000-05:00

I promised some pictures of the tile backsplash project that my husband accomplished. Again, I'm super-proud of his work. I know that if I were to do it would have come out sloppier, with way more mistakes, and many extra trips to the hardware store. He was much more methodical and patient through the process than I know I would have been. I also think that it was good for his soul to do something that didn't involve latin, books, or school.

These are the before pics. The white area is where our old countertops were before the granite.

Below is David adding the adhesive to place the tile onto. We had to rent a wet tile saw which helped with all the complicated cuts. Lots of math was involved and I'm very impressed with his mathmatical skills--another way to tell that he is very left brained while I'm very right. I came up with the the design and he implemented it.

This is the tile place and spaced before grout is applied.

Grouting and wiping

Finishing up

I want to put up a grand "TA DA" photo but I want to wait until (1) all the switchplates are back up and (2) my kitchen is clean and not being used (like a magazine!)

amazingly things are getting done

2011-04-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

Taking into consideration that I'm more and more tired as the weeks go by (34 and counting--keep praying guys!), it is amazing how much we've been able to do. A lot of it has to do with my sweet husband who is willing to appease his wife with fierce nesting instincts. He put up the tile backsplash and it looks absolutely beautiful (pictures to come). I am so proud of his work! We got the roof fixed (mostly) and rearranged our furniture (changing table in our room and my old dresser--the one i grew up with!--in the nursery/soon-to-be-david's room.), re-covered the dining room chairs (pics coming soon), changed out the chandelier from something rather outdated to a crystal chandelier that has become retro-chic on HGTV and it was FREE! I've organized all the clothes (packing those that are outgrown and unpacking the infancy clothes--so incredibly small!) and purchased a cheap but good-looking rug from walmart for out dining room.

It is April now and I'm happy to say that we will have an april or may baby and not a march one, again. David's birthday was small but he got to enjoy his first chocolate cake and got some toy cars and airplanes and some outdoor play things like a sandbox and slide. I turned 32 and it hardly stood out. My dear husband made the day special by presenting me with gifts throughout the day (puzzle--b/c that is my new old person hobby, cupcakes from Gigi's, a very sweet card, a Foxtrot book--this man knows me so well, and an electrician to finish our undercabinet lighting). I also got some very generous gifts from my parents and my mother-in-law. I have yet to figure out what to do with it and am somewhat overwhelmed with the options.

That's all for now. I'm sorry for the random stream of consciousness that I threw at you. I hope it makes some semblence of sense.

understanding my toddler

2011-03-24T21:44:00.000-05:00

I have no standard to compare my child to. Is he overly rambunctious? Is he a calm and happy child? I have no reference. So, on those days (when I'm far from patient to begin with) and I'm getting on to david just about every other minute I can get really disheartened. Is my method effective? I'll switch methods looking for the miracle "my-toddler-is-now-an-angel-because-of-this-method. Nothing has worked perfectly. He still does what he does. Shall I worry that my son is a future delinquent? I do sometimes. Or is this behavior normal toddler antics at work?

Below is a list of normal toddler behaviors that gave me hope, a reference, and an understanding. I've read some of this before but I forget from time to time and need to revisit it. With that, I need to revisit the gospel and know that for all "normal" toddler behavior is a sinner in need of grace (which looks like discipline and tenderness) and there isn't a miracle cure. He will often struggle to honor his parents. Don't we as parents struggle to honor our Father in heaven? I know I do. Anyhoo, maybe you have a toddler too and might find this helpful. Maybe you are someone who knows someone with a toddler and could use a little understanding as too why "that boy/girl" is unruly. Give those parents and those kids a break. My toddler isn't finished yet. We are working on him/with him to raise him to love the Lord and others. We aren't finished as parents either. This is a process that takes decades not a couple of years. Ok, I'm digressing. Here you go. If you want more info, you can go to http://askdrsears.com/ .

9 DEVELOPMENTAL REASONS WHY TODDLERS CAN BE DIFFICULT TO DISCIPLINE

To cope with toddler behavior it helps to remember the basic principle of developmental discipline: the drive that babies have to develop is the same one that creates discipline challenges.

1. Wheels to run on

Imagine how it must feel to learn to walk! He can see all those tempting delights around the room, and he finds ways to get his hands on many of them. once the developmental skill of walking appears, children have an intense drive to master it. So toddlers toddle—constantly. And they can toddle into unsafe situations. Walking progresses to running, and climbing a few stairs turns into scaling kitchen counters.

2. Hands as tools

Along with learning how to pick up things, the one- year- old baby develops hand skills to manipulate what he gets. Doors are to be opened, knobs turned, drawers pulled, dangling cords yanked, and waste cans emptied. Everything within walking and grabbing distance is fair game, or so he figures. To the inquisitive adventurer, the whole house is an unexplored continent, and he intends to leave no stone unturned.

3. Out of the mouths of babes

The development of language—verbal and body— makes parenting a bit easier. Baby can now begin to tell you what she needs with words. This new skill is a mixed blessing. While baby words are entertaining, they can also be frustrating as the parents struggle to understand just what "da-boo" means. Toddlers like to try on different noises to hear how they sound and how they affect their audience. They screech and squeal, yell and jabber. Sometimes their little baby words are pleasing to your ears, and at other times they are nerve-wracking. Language also gives expression to feelings; a feisty "no" from your formerly agreeable child can raise your eyebrows.

4. A mind of their own

Toddlers think, but not logically. Just as motor skills take off during the first half of the second year, toward the last half mental skills blossom. The one-year-old plunges impulsively into activities without much thinking. The two-year-old studies her environment, figuring out a course of action in her head before venturing forth with her body. But a baby's desire to do something often precedes the ability to do it successfully. This developmental quirk drives toddlers into trouble and caregivers to the brink. Even though you know that baby hasn't mastered a skill yet, your explanation won't stop him from trying. For example, one morning our son Stephen insisted on pouring his own juice. He had the ability to maneuver the cup and pitcher, but lacked the wisdom to know when the cup was full. He did not want us to pour it for him, so we let him stand at the sink and pour water into cups while we poured the juice at the table. After a pouring party at the sink, he accepted my hand on his hand and followed my nudge for when to stop pouring.

During the second year your baby's temperament will become more apparent. "Bubbly," "daredevil," "determined," "cautious," and "adventurous" are just a few of the labels toddlers acquire. Children come wired differently, and different kinds of children need different kinds of discipline. Matthew, a relatively cautious toddler, seemed to think out a task carefully before attempting it. If he got himself in too deep he would not protest being rescued. our two-year-old Lauren came wired with a different program. She sees an enticing gadget on top of the kitchen counter and she is willing to risk life and limb to get it. Because of her personality, we don't often let her out of our sight. Her drive helps her keep going, to get up after falling, to persist after being told "no," to struggle with words to make her needs known. It also inspires her to climb higher if the cookie jar has been promoted to the top shelf. The parents' task, in the words of one frazzled toddler manager, is to "keep my child from breaking his neck, and yet encourage him to learn." Think "age-appropriate behavior" and you'll be able to give age-appropriate direction.

5. Some challenging behaviors are developmentally correct

In the normal course of development those same behaviors the child needs to developmentally advance to the next level are the very ones that can get him into trouble. As a child goes from dependence to independence, he will often merit labels like "defiant," "won't mind," "bossy," "sassy," and "impulsive." Some of these behaviors are simply a byproduct of the child's need to become an independent individual. And the "stubbornness" that keeps your child from "minding" is the same spunk that helps him get up after a fall and try again.

6. Get in "phase" with your child

Developing children take two steps forward and one step backward. In each stage of development, they bounce back and forth from equilibrium to disequilibrium. While they're stepping forward into uncharted territory, finding new friends, trying new things, expect discipline problems due to the anxiety that tags along with experimenting. In each stage, expect the calm to come after the storm. The same child who spent two months in a snit may act like an angel for the next three. This developmental quirk can work to the child's advantage and yours. Spot which phase your child is in. If he's trying to move away and grow up a bit, let out the line. During this phase, your child may seem distant from you; she may even answer back and defy you. Don't take this personally. This phase will soon pass. The child is just in the "do it myself" phase and needs some space and coaching (including correcting) from the sidelines.

One day soon, as sure as sunrise follows nightfall, you'll find your child snuggling next to you on the couch asking for help with tasks and suggesting activities you can do together. You may even wake up one morning and discover your six-year-old nestled next to you in bed. This child is now in a reconnecting phase, a pit stop in the developmental journey when your child needs emotional refueling.

When parents and child are out of harmony, discipline problems multiply. If your child is trying to break away when you are trying to bond, you are likely to overreact to what may be normal behaviors of independence. If you are too busy while your child is in the reconnecting phase, you miss a window of opportunity to strengthen your positions as comforter, adviser, authority figure, and disciplinarian.

7. Respect negative phases

Projects such as toilet training should not be undertaken during a negative phase.

8. Plan ahead

Discipline problems are likely to occur when a child is making the transition from one developmental stage to another, or during major family changes: a move, a new sibling, a family illness, or so on. I recently counseled a family whose previously sweet child had turned sour. The mother had started a new job, and at the same time the child started a new school. If possible, time major changes in your life for when a child is not going through major changes herself.

9. What is "normal" may not be acceptable

"I don't care what the book says, Bobby and Jimmy, fighting is not going to be normal in our home," said a mother who knew her tolerance. Part of discipline is learning how to live with a child through different developmental stages. A child's early family experience is like boot camp in preparing for life. A child must learn how to get along with family members in preparation for future social relationships. He needs to be adaptable and learn to adjust his behaviors to a particular family need. Billy is boisterous by temperament. Yet, Billy is expected to play quietly for a few days because mommy is recovering from an illness and has a headache. It is healthy for the child to learn that the sun rises and sets on other people besides himself. Children must learn to adapt to house rules to prepare them to adjust to society's rules.

a song of praise

2011-03-19T15:47:00.001-05:00

and perhaps you are thinking from an unlikely source, U2. However this is one of many praise songs that U2 has written over 30 years. When others put songs or poems on their blogs I rarely read it (unless it was actually written by the blogger) and often skip to the written parts but even knowing that others might do the same I still want to put it up.
________________________
The song is called 'All Because of You':

I was born a child of grace

Nothing else about the place
Everything was ugly but your beautiful face
And it left me no illusion

I saw you in the curve of the moon
In the shadow cast across my room
You heard me in my tune
When I just heard confusion

All because of you
All because of you

All because of you,
I Am

I like the sound of my own voice
I didn't give anyone else a choice
An intellectual tortoise
Racing with your bullet train

Some people get squashed crossing the tracks
Some people got high rises on their backs
I'm not broke but you can see the cracks
You can make me perfect again

All because of you
All because of you

All because of you
I Am

I'm alive
I'm being born
I just arrived, I'm at the door
Of the place I started out from
And I want back inside

All because of you
All because of you

All because of you
I am
__________________________
See the double meaning in 'I am'. I am who I am because of Him and He is the great 'I AM'. Very clever writing. This is one of David Sr.'s favorite U2 songs. It isn't my favorite song but I have a hard time picking favorites with this band.

lent

2011-03-10T13:54:00.000-06:00

So, this year I thought I would follow my husband's example and give up something for lent (last year he gave up sugar and this year he is giving up sugar and fried foods, in case you were curious). I decided that it would be beneficial to give up morning television. I actually don't watch morning television but my son does. So what I'm really giving up is morning cartoons. Cartoons that allowed me to wake up a bit more, take snoozes when needed, eat breakfast in peace and just lounge. I relied on morning cartoon a bit more since this pregnancy because of the energy I had (or didn't have). Yesterday morning I had the t.v. on before I even remembered that it was ash wednesday, the beginning of the lentel season (did I spell that right? I know it isn't spelled like the bean). David Jr. slept a little later (8am) and we were halfway through SuperWhy on PBS before I realized it. Rather than interrupt the cartoon right away I waited until it was over and turned it off with nary a peep from my toddler. It also helped that we were going to church that morning for bible study and he would get to play in nursery, which he loves. That took up the first morning since we were home by noon and he fell asleep in the car on the way home.

Today (day 2) we didn't have the t.v. on and david didn't even ask for it. I was surprised. I thought he would have felt the absence more but I'm thankful that on top of not having the luxury of just sitting quietly I didn't have to work extra hard to distract a toddler from his desires for cartoons. I expect the coming week to be easier too since david sr. will be home for spring break. The t.v. is rarely on during the day when my husband is home. Probably because we are all more preoccupied and my loneliness for people is less palpable.

Speaking of spring break, we have an intimidating list of to-do's for it. I am excited to be getting stuff done but realize that if we get it all done we will be exhausted. If we don't, which is more likely, we'll still have to figure out when and how to get it done between now and baby #2. Our list consists of tiling our kitchen backsplash. Ourselves. Yea, this could get ugly. Also, we have some furniture rearranging to do (not a big deal) and some furniture painting. Gardening is also part of our list. Which I really look forward to. I hope for superb weather--sounds divine. I have to gather, clean, register, and tag our consignment items for the children's consignment that will happen the week after. Those are the bigger tasks but there are many many less big tasks (but not small). Getting David to sleep in his "big boy bed" at night, re-covering dining room chairs, making curtains for kitchen and laundry room, finishing curtains for nursery and guest rooms (close but still need some attention), dr's appts, and more!!!

preterm paranoia

2011-03-08T07:41:00.000-06:00

After David jr. came 6 wks early I am more watchful/wary/worried about every sensation pregnancy brings from here on to the end of my pregnancy. The problem is that I'm 30 wks along and it is hard to avoid strange and unusual sensations since there is, afterall, a person growing inside of me that moves. I think that I have been having Braxton-hicks contractions so this adds to my trepidation. What if this is the beginning of preterm labor? What is going to happen to David jr. if I have to be in the hospital for a week or more? Who will take over my class? David sr. suggested we come up with a plan over spring break and then asked if the baby can wait that long. I wish I had the answer to that. I haven't gotten into the hospital and I already miss my little boy. This will be the first time I leave him overnight and I don't like it. I wish he could come with us (and honestly, I haven't ruled that out completely yet).

I do take comfort in the fact that many people are praying for us and I know it! I know they are praying for this baby to go to term. Thank you so much, guys! You know who you are!

driving through

2011-03-02T13:12:00.000-06:00

Places I wish had a drive-through and should thoroughly consider it for mamas who have kids in car seats:

1) the post office
2) restaurants other than fast food, like newks or mcallisters
3) shops that do car inspection stickers
4) grocery stores (just for staples that are a rarely on sale anyway)

wouldn't that be grand?

my funny valentine

2011-02-14T09:37:00.000-06:00

It is our 6th valentine's day and I just wanted to share a few quirky things about my husband, david, that make me laugh to myself (and roll my eyes occasionally).

1. He takes a good couple of hours to really wake up in the morning. Weekend mornings I'm raring to go (because I'm so much more motivated to be productive when he is around) and I can't get much out of him in terms of complete and clear sentences. His desire is to sit quietly with his coffee and perhaps a book until he is ready to really face the world. It is pretty funny to see this same quality in our son (but manifests itself in lots of fussing and rubbing of the eyes). So, I'm learning not to try and engage my valentine in any deep discussions or planning during these early morning hours.

2. He reads about 4 to 6 books at once. I've been known to occasionally have a few books that I'm reading but he takes that to a whole new level. Usually, they consist of different genres. He'll have a fun science fiction book, a theology book, a latin and/or rome related book, a bible study, and possibly an informational how-to type book. He never lacks for reading material and will take any opportunity to read. Especially true since he got a kindle e-book reader for Christmas. Books are david's crack.

3. He has a new found fascination with the early church and the church calendar. He has read tons of stuff on the subject and has taken last year to celebrate church calendar days. He found a reformed episcopalian church to attend on such days. I've gone along for the ride while making wisecracks about my husband becoming catholic and leaving the presbyterian denomination. He assures me this isn't so but he does love the liturgy of these services. When I'm not making fun, I'm appreciating that he has learned not to throw the baby out with the bath water as lots of protestants tend to. He has a great understanding of why the early church did what it did to celebrate/praise/worship Christ. Whereas, I (and many others) can throw away a lot of what other more liturgical churches do (including catholicism) because of some basic differences in theology and faith.

4. David's mind wanders--absent-minded professor is a stereotype that really fits sometimes. Here is how I usually see this. We are in the car and I make an observation about something that most people would respond to. David is not most people. After a minute or so of silence, I, again, remind him that a reply was expected. He is jogged back to real time where he, again, apologizes because his mind wandered (much like Walter Mitty) and explains where his train of thought took a detour. Frustrating for a girl who loves a good conversation but also interesting that someones mind works so differently. I hope to understand that precious mind more and more as the years go by.

5. David's passions are quite simple. This makes him extremely easy to please and quite predictable. A nice glass of wine or bottle of beer. A hearty meal. A good movie or book. Marital benefits (*wink, wink). His loves can get even simpler than that. He enjoys children's literature and cartoons and winnie the pooh. It is no wonder that occasionally I feel like I married a small boy rather than the 30 year old that he is. However, I'm also aware that many men operate that way. Can't say that I wouldn't mind being surprised by something David says or does but I can say that this predictability and consistency is one of the reasons I married him. He is a safe and dependable friend.

6. When I am usually surprised are those times when david is uncommonly funny. He sometimes makes cracks or jokes that strike me as hilarious. I never know when it is going to spring up. I have noticed that when he is with his twin lakes buddies he is funnier than usual. Also, he is funnier during the summer when he isn't distracted with work and class. I love hanging out with him when he is really relaxed. He can be very clever. Part of the charm of his humor perhaps is that it is unexpected. He isn't the guy that is always trying to be funny so he has the element of surprise. Who expects an absent-minded, quiet and serious man to spring a joke on you? It works.

So, here are 6 funny things about my funny Valentine for the 6 years we've known each other. I hope to know him more and more. I hope to respect and love him more and more. I'm thankful to our Lord for bringing us together. No one knows more than our Lord how those idiosyncrasies were well-suited for my own (and there are many--and they aren't always so funny). Happy Valentine's Day, Beloved. Here is to knowing each other more with every year!

Hallelujah!

2011-01-25T17:46:00.001-06:00

There has been quite a fad of late where seemingly random people in a public place break into song and/or dance in a well rehearsed way. It, of course, is rigged. These folks have practiced and assign a time and place and the fun begins. David and I watched several of these, like the one done at Ole Miss a few years ago. There was another one we took a moment to watch about a week ago. I'm tickled by this idea. I would love to be in that audience--it really would make my day to see this happen. Or even to orchestrate one.

We watched this one that took place in the foodcourt of a shopping mall. As far as I know it was a thousand miles away. This group began (one person at a time) to sing Handel's Messiah. At first, we were both tickled by what we saw, as usual. I'm not sure if it was the thoughts of my sweet father-in-law now passed who loved this song, or if it was that I was seeing the Lord being praised in such a public place but I began to feel moved. By the last couple of minutes, I was weeping. I turned to David and he also was full of emotion. This fun idea turned into a beautiful moment of worship that was joy-filled and somber all at once. So, I'm pleased to share this with you.

Please note that this is a different video than the one performed at Macy's. Just in case you already saw that one.

2011-01-13T13:27:00.000-06:00

I haven't been that interested in blogging lately. No reason why, just wanted to get my hands dirty doing other projects, I guess. I have learned how to knit and have been practicing nightly in front of the t.v. I love having something to do with my hands and it is so relaxing. I have a few sewing projects up my sleeve as well. Can you use the same pattern for different size clothing? Anyway, I'll figure it out. David and I are also looking to tile our kitchen backsplash in the most affordable, yet good-looking way possible. We want to try it ourselves but are a little afraid of how it might turn out. We get more motivated when we learn that we are saving up to 500 dollars just to install. That is not counting the cost of the actual tile and other materials. Ick. We also have some electrical work that needs to get finished. Awhile back I installed undercabinet lighting but have not finished the wiring. Why? Well, I nearly electrocuted myself when I spliced some wires (according to the directions) and plugged it in. So, I'm a little trigger shy now. I suppose all these projects are motivating me now that I have some nesting hormones lurking in me. We still need to fix the part of our roof that has been having drainage issues and has led to rodents taking up residence in our attic (again!) As you can see, lots of projects. There are more that I haven't even listed. I'm excited to see them get done, one by one.

Another project I've started is a Christmas scrapbook. I wanted to compile (in a cutesy, scrapbook-y fashion) an album of all our christmas cards and letters. I'm working on 2007 presently.

One of my classes didn't make this semester so I'm just teaching on mondays. David's class through UF appears to be easier/less time-consuming than usual with no papers or tests just weekly homework that seems less hard. I'm not sure if the work is easier or if david is just getting faster and better at translating his latin texts. He is still excited about what he is learning, though.

David Jr. is adorable. He is my destructive little boy who wants to grab, throw down, climb anything that is around. Mama has to be quick to get him off our desks, and out of the dog food container. He probably needs more outside time but I am too too cold to step one toe out. So, we've been rather cooped up and yes, it is self-inflicted. I don't like the bitter cold of jan. and feb.

Well, it is time for me to take my freshly napped, and lunched toddler to the grocery store with me. I only have so much time before he starts to fall apart. So, I'll venture out into the cold only because we have to eat. Maybe I'll write more later.

the grumpy old lady is dying

2010-12-01T10:51:00.000-06:00

The faithful Lord is showing me some things about my family and myself. I am so thankful to be shown for I can't work to change what is still in darkness. That's why secret sins remain just that--secret sins. They never get put to death. What is also particularly funny (but in a weird way and not in a "ha ha" way) is that I probably would not have been aware of this issue if I had not dealt with anxiety. My anxiety has me seeking good and positive in all the things I do, see, and hear. I am especially sensitive to negativity now. I also find that I am surrounded by friends and in-laws who are quite gracious and positive which makes it easier. However, sometimes I find myself with someone (we all know folks like this--in fact, I might be that person that you know) who does nothing but complain. Or who has nothing good or positive to report. Or who seem to even take joy in the struggles that others find themselves in. I never ever noticed it before but I surely notice it now. People I have known my whole life strike me now as very negative. It is quite burdensome. I have to tell myself--things are probably not as bad as they are stating. Speaking as a recovering pessimist (i used to call myself a realist--what a laugh!) it is very easy to focus on all the bad things or hassles that happen in a day. Oh, and what food for my negativity when there really was bad news. That kind of news just fit into my worldview that said "Life stinks--just deal!" However, it is very difficult to be negative or to complain when there is a thankful heart. And that is my weapon. I hold to the Spirit who has promised to complete the good work in me and bear the fruit of joy in my heart. I take hold of the promise that there is life and hope in Christ, even in a world where coexists pain, struggle and death. These words of my Lord are life.   Complaining and thankfulness rarely happen together. And a gentle reminder to those who find themselves being "realists" --just as there is always something to complain about, there is always something to be thankful for. Which would you rather focus on?

Another reason I am convicted about this is because I see that as you get older the reasons to complain get longer. Afterall, you body will eventually die out.  It betrays you sooner or later, slowly or fast. If I don't work on the habit of thankfulness now, then when I am old, no one will want to be around me. I don't want to be that grumpy old lady that people avoid. I want to be cheerful, gracious and godly. I look to my mother-in-law as a great example of this. She is gracious and never complains. Mrs. Hogue is the anti-thesis of the grumpy old lady I mentioned earlier. I'm thankful for such an example.

Fortunately, pessimism is learned. Therefore, I plan to unlearn it. In its place, I hope to learn thankfulness. Not a superficial thankfulness--y'know, not just lipservice. But a true outspringing contentment and joy from my heart.  Habits can be broken and new habits can replace them. Isn't that reason enough for joy and thankfulness? We aren't stuck! We aren't doomed! We can resolve (with the Lord's transforming grace) to change! Yes!

latest project

2010-10-27T09:37:00.000-05:00

A few saturdays ago was the annual La Leche League picnic. I was placed in charge of food and fliers. In the past, an event like this with me in charge of something would be stressful. I would feel nervous about what everyone would think about the event and whether people thought I did a good job. And really--I didn't want people to think I did a good job. I wanted people to think I did the best job EVER! Well, I probably don't need to say, that with those kinds of hopes, the pressure is turned up. A few years ago, I realized that when we had anyone over, or a party or anything I would feel stress and pressure which would lead to irritability. I didn't think this was the way it was supposed to be. So, some soul-searching unveiled that this pattern of emotions involved with entertaining was actually learned. So, how am I un-learning it? I've begun to draw the line between entertaining and hospitality. My sweet friend and one-time mentor, Mrs. Jeannette Olps, explained that entertaining centers around making things look hard and hospitality doesn't need that. Hospitality was serving others and not on making a beautifully themed dinner party. Not that I ever succeeded in that. What would usually happen is amongst all the ideas that overwhelmed me I ended up going for manageable. Originally, I wanted people to marvel at my work on the food and how clean and beautiful my house was, etc. Now, I just want a good time with friends. I've had lots of great examples to look to in hospitality over the years. The Frey family that "adopted" me while away at college would have me over all the time after Sunday church. They fixed a delicious but simple meal but it was so easy. No red carpet was rolled out, and no one seemed to stress over there being enough food for us. So relaxed and so nice. I've been to friends' houses where kids toys were everywhere--and kids for that matter. Food was presented casually but the conversation was rich! So, as I have had people over, I would remind myself often that the point is not to impress but to be hospitable. The point is enjoying time together and not "making it look hard". I love it when people make it look easy. A simple soup. A chili. Sandwiches. It is enough to make me feel welcome.

the danger of TLC's 'Sister Wives'

2010-10-22T20:26:00.000-05:00

The Learning Channel (a.k.a. TLC) is known for doing some great shows that educate the general public about life for a certain sector, group, or family dealing with unusual circumstances. Long ago (or so it feels like) I watched a (what I thought) normal family handle sextuplets and twins. I watch the Duggars with their 19 children and have watched lots of little people. Lately, TLC decided to do a small series on a polygamist family. From the beginning I had mixed feelings about this. I find myself curious and knew that I would see what this show was about. At the same time, I had an icky feeling about their being a show that could draw an empathetic, normalizing light to this very wrong way of life. I mean, these are not the FLDS (or is it FDLS?) that have the long dresses, long hair and secretive & dark lives under the dictatorship of Jeff Warrens. This is a likeable group. They dress normal. They blend in. Watching this, I know that people will start to look at their situation of one man with his three wives (while marrying a fourth) as freaky but normal. I found even myself feeling more accepting (thankfully, I was guarding my heart but I see the tendency--that is how powerful t.v. is). Don't get me wrong. I'm not about getting pitchforks and running them out of town. I want to love them like I would hope to love any neighbor. But that doesn't change the fact that polygamy is unnatural (despite what polygamists might say) and unfair to the wives of this one man. The wives of the show are quite frank about jealousy issues (which is refreshing) but they are also quite adamant about the advantages of plural marriage: more time to themselves, more help with the children, refining of their character, etc. One of the women liked it because it meant that she could work outside the home with a full-time job because one of the other "sister wives" was taking care of the children (their are 13 or so total, I think). That was new to hear. It was this modern take on polygamy that I had not seen. Women's rights to work but not to have one man's heart, soul, and body in totality? Very strange. And icky.

there is some guilt

2010-10-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

I have read enough pregnancy literature to know that these feelings are normal. Still, I can't shake some sense of guilt that I'm replacing my firstborn or that he is going to get lost in the shuffle. Some of my fear and guilt about this might spring from the fact that I never experienced that kind of upheaval. I'm an only child, y'know. I don't have the experience of the adjustment and having a sibling. I am in brand new territory. My parents are even in brand new territory. They know what it is like to be in a large family but they do not know what its like to raise two kids under two. So, I'm just trusting that though there may be an adjustment period for David Jr. (and for us, for goodness sake) but that the dust will settle and David will no longer remember life before his little brother or sister existed. But for David and I this past year and a half have been (albeit tough) a humungous blessing. We will cherish forever the memories of "just the three of us". It does not escape me that it is a sweet time that we won't have back. So, I guess it is natural that I feel a little sad to see it go. I keep in mind that the joy I have had (unimaginable!) with my son, I will get to experience again with another blessing from the Lord. And that is a reason to celebrate!!! Break out the Saltines!!!

forgot the eggs

2010-10-19T17:43:00.000-05:00

Pregnancy brain is back. I made pancakes this morning and completely forgot to add the eggs. I cooked them and they didn't seem that different from egg-ful pancakes. I ate half of my plate before I realized it. Maybe I'll start making it without eggs from now on since it will save me money.

what I never want to see in a house (esp. mine)

2010-09-07T12:53:00.000-05:00

1. Brass fixtures. Yes, these abhorent things from the 80's and 90's are in my house but only because I could not yet prioritize purchasing their replacement. The shiny brassy knobs, door knobs, and lighting fixtures glare at me saying "I'm ugly and outdated."

2. Any sort of lamp/table furniture. You know the kind I mean? It looks like someone decided why bother with two pieces of furniture like a table with a separate lamp on it when you can have two of them together. Ick. I can not look at one without thinking of...well, I digress. :)

3. Lots of tiny knick knacks on display. Those never look good. It is the big statement pieces that can pull a room together. It is never the $5 angel or the $9 fake plant.

4. A flat screen above the fireplace. I can't fathom making the t.v. the center or focus of my living room. And to me, above the fireplace is almost like a throne or place of honor. T.V.'s don't go there, in my opinion. But now, new houses are even being built and wired for that very feature of t.v.'s above the fireplace.

5. Too much furniture in a small space. Which, by the way, we have happening in our living room. Our furniture is not on a small enough scale and we are space-challenged. Yet, somehow we ended up with two bedrooms that are hardly used. But that is a conversation for another time.

6. Fat chefs or country ducks.

7. Fuzzy toilet seat covers. or any toilet seat cover.

8. Too much symmetry will drive me bonkers. It is safe. It isn't interesting and sometimes doesn't offer the feeling of ease and comfort that one might want.

Just sayin'.... Have a great week everyone!

the old is new again

2010-08-29T11:36:00.000-05:00

I have these silver earrings that were given to me by my longtime friend, Rachael, back when we were in jr. high. I have kept them and realize that these earrings are very suitable to the contemporary style now. Isn't that fun?! I am old enough to see old things become the "it" trend again...like the 80's and 90's. I would give you a picture of these earrings but I am currently typing on our new laptop (great deal at best buy) and haven't gotten the equipment needed to save my old harddrive in my faulty motherboard of my old Dell.

coupon crazy

2010-07-14T09:06:00.002-05:00

I've been learning wonderful ways to stretch our dollars in the hogue home. I've enjoyed the brain exercise. It is like solving a puzzle to figure out what products to buy that will last the longest and are the most economical. I also enjoy figuring out what I can make with a can of stewed tomatoes, flour, sliced ham, and an orange (I made this list up so I don't have any recipes or anything). It is my joy to see an empty pantry and fridge and then take a big trip to the store. It means we used our resources well. Delight! I'm also actively learning how to make the most of couponing. I requested at the library the book "The Coupon Mom's Guide to Cutting Your Bills In Half"(am I supposed to underline a book title--I can never remember) (more economical than buying--I have reignited my love of the library) and began pouring over it and making notes. I found blogs and websites (including Couponmom.com) to help gather all manner of coupons and am taking baby steps in how to take advantage of double/triple couponing, BOGO (buy one get one...), and other smart tips. I started this venture and saw more and more people jumping on the couponing/bargain hunting bandwagon (or discovered people already on it). I think it is a movement among frugal mothers.

Anyhoo, this is just background information for why I was on the website www.slickdeals.com. I found that Home Depot was selling 4ft. by 4ft. raised garden beds for $9! It was originally $29! That is a huge deal! I bought 3 (they are back ordered but so what?!). I basically bought 3 for the price of 1. Excellent! And this was not a purchase that was needless. I had been in the market for just such a product. We wanted to start a garden but protect the garden from our dog and also make it look a little dressed up. Perfect! I see this as an investment (a small one at that! yeah!) in furthering our dollar bills because gardening will bring us some organic vegetables without the high cost. There is such a high from a good deal. And unlike other highs, this one has proven to be quite affordable. ;)

I never thought I would say this...

2010-07-11T13:52:00.003-05:00

but moving away from Jackson sounds like a harmless and fun adventure. I suppose now that I am no longer a single girl attached to a friend group or community like I once was (which was for dear life) I can entertain the idea of moving away. I do love jackson and all our friends and the familiarity of it all. We do have strong roots there. However, for the past year, which I guess means since David was born, I can take or leave Jackson. I don't need the familiarity and connections of Jackson because I have the connections of my own nuclear family. I have both Davids. Of course, I know that we need community AND to be utterly philosophical the community needs us (we are a part in the body of Christ, after all). But when you are at home most of the time and your interactions with friends (going out for coffee or what-have-you) is so limited than I started seeing that I could really move anywhere and still maintain that level of connection. I'm a lot more mobile than I used to be. I can still keep up with friends (who are all moving away one by one, anyhow) through email/facebook/blogs, make new ones, and be content.

Jackson is my home. I didn't grow up here but I have learned to love it. As time goes by, however, I get frustrated with the....what's the word?...stiffness? stodginess? stuffiness? of the culture. I would never say I was a flibbertigibbet that partied or anything. However, being from South Louisiana, we were just a lot more laid back than our Mississippi friends further north. Not bad. Just not me. David Sr. agrees. So, here we are in Florida, enjoying being in a college town with so many cool places to hang out and eat. We like the vibe. Laid back. You see it in the clothing, and cars, and the attitude. It is breathing fresh air. Money isn't as important here as it is in Jackson. Also, everyone rides their bike and walks in this part of town. I love that! I can walk to get a yogurt, a smoothie, a sandwich, a burrito, a doughnut. It is great! We just came back from a PCA church where we felt comfortable and welcomed. We got to chat with the pastor and he was very open and friendly. I can seriously see myself living here. Funny that I never really considered Florida as a place to live but why not? I think I would like it. Plus, people could visit us on the way to the beach.

We will be in Jackson, Lord willing, for another few years. I'm still in love with our house and look forward to fixing it up bit by bit. But I can see myself gearing up for a move. It won't be as scary as I once thought it was.

Havin' fun with hats

2010-07-10T13:41:00.000-05:00

swimming

2010-07-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

He took to swimming like a ...a fish to water. Both Davids were blinding with their translucent skin! I thought Jr. would be scared but he was ready to hop right on out of our arms and swim on his own. We couldn't let him, of course. He starts making happy sounds as soon as he even sees the pool. This was the second time he swam in a pool. The week before we left for Gainesville we took him to our gym, The Club, and let him swim with us there. He LOVED it! We had a hard time getting him out. Note to self: don't make plans to leave a pool with a child that will be hungry or sleepy around that time.

just a thought

2010-07-06T13:10:00.000-05:00

I would really really like to learn how to make slipcovers and reupholster furniture. That way I could just redesign any junk yard find. That's all.

David is one! (ok, he's been one for almost a month but blame my laptop)

2010-04-24T19:12:00.001-05:00

I enjoyed planning this little event. An intimate birthday party to celebrate our surviving a year of parenthood...uh...I mean David's year of life. Of course, we are delighted to have him in our lives and he is worth celebrating. I decided that because the only thing he seems to love with reckless abandonment is our chocolate lab, Cora, that we would make this the theme of his birthday party.

I made a pawprint chocolate cake with Nana's (David Sr.'s maternal grandmother) famous icing. Those are bones by the toes that were made from that cake. It was going to be a simple double layer cake but one of the layers crumbled too much so I decided a pawprint was more than appropriate.

I decorated with streamers and a few helium balloons in blue (b/c David is a boy) and brown (b/c Cora is brown). Makes sense, doesn't it? Here we are about to sing "happy birthday" if we can only get the video camera working. The grandmothers are posing for a picture.

Singing "happy birthday". He wasn't sure what to think, but he didn't seem to dislike it.

Posing with the little guy who has changed our lives for the better. We love him so much! He is eating an apple muffin (because there was NO WAY I would give him chocolate). I found a good recipe for one year olds and it was made with no sugar just applesauce. It didn't have any eggs either. I got a lot of grief for it but I stand by that decision especially when I saw him enjoy it! There will be plenty of time, Lord willing, for him to get addicted to sugar like the rest of us. :)

Sweetly feeding momma. He gets a big kick about putting anything in our mouths or Cora's mouth. Cora doesn't mind it either if it's food.

This is a boy with a full and happy belly.

David and Grandmere enjoying catching up since David's trip to Italy and Greece.

We got David several bouncy balls and dinosaurs and a truck. He loves them. He also got some great books and a superduper stuffed animal that we can hook up to the computer to personalize. Thank you everyone! We had a great time and were thankful for all of you to share our joy. This little party was more for David and I to celebrate a year of good fortune and blessings from the Lord. We only wish we had champagne there, too. I think we will try that next year.

One year down and Lord willing many more to go....

my first king cake (yes, i know it's april)

2010-04-24T18:46:00.000-05:00

Happy Mardi Gras, everyone! I'm a little late putting these online but back in February I attempted a king cake. I didn't buy anything special for it such as purple, gold, and green sprinkles but who cares, right?! I found the recipe online and hoped for the soft bread with sprinkles from my childhood. I think I messed up with the butter and the texture of this cake ended up a lot like a scone. Tasty but not king cake. I still thought it looked pretty. I decided since all I had were red and colored sprinkles that it was a Valentine's/King Cake. No rules in the kitchen, right?!

computer issues

2010-04-17T18:33:00.000-05:00

Our laptop is having some issues that I believe are "fatal". So, I have been unable to connect on facebook or on the blogosphere. All is well on our side of the world/street/city. We are just marooned on the "without service" island. The computer does work occasionally. Never when we want it to. So, my checks on the internet are sporadic and infrequent. Just letting you know.

mamma mia, here i go again....

2010-03-09T14:22:00.000-06:00

Last year France took my husband for a week. Fortunately he was back in time to see his firstborn son arrive 6 weeks early. This year, Italy is the culprit and this beautiful country (so I read) is taking him for 10 days. I'm not pregnant this time but I do have a crawling young 'un to care for. I kept going back and forth as to what to do with myself while my better half was gone. I debated staying at home and eating cereal every night while watching very girlie movies while my son napped. I have a tendency to hole up every now and then. I figured that I would hibernate and consequently feel lonely. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy to get me out to see friends or the grocery store. I debated going to visit friends in different parts of the South. However, the idea of driving longer than typical with an 11 mos. old without the help of my husband seemed too daunting. Plus, I would have to find and pay a dog/house sitter. So, naturally, I am heading to my parent's house. I'm bringing a few projects with me to have fun with and plan to make a trip or two to Blockbusters. I'll sew, I'll plan David Jr.'s 1st birthday party, I'll watch too much t.v. (good thing), and I'll visit sweet friends and probably family. I do have a challenge in getting there. I am somehow to take my dog and child in one car to LA. This wouldn't be a big deal if I could make it to my destination without any stops but not a chance. We've had to stop at least once anytime we've made a trip to my parent's house. Usually David Sr. would walk the dog while I nursed the baby. Uhhhh....how in the world is this going to happen now? I'll figure it out. It may be messy. I may get flustered. But I will make it. I figure I will put Jr. in a sling while walking Cora. I hope to find a nice large grassy area in order to let her run free. Pray for David's trip (safety, peace while traveling--he is a nervous flyer, kids' safety, etc) and for me (stamina and energy, Jr. being happy and healthy, safe smooth trip there and back).

PS. Our home computer is not working right now because it will not charge. *shrug* So, if you are trying to reach me via facebook or hotmail just know that I'm not ignoring you. I have to wait until I am at work (where I am right now) or at my parent's house to use the internet.

brain down the drain

2010-02-22T19:12:00.000-06:00

I can no longer trust what used to be so dependable--my mind. It has betrayed me time and again. I was rehabbing it for awhile by "transforming it by the renewing of my mind" kind-of-way. I made great strides in that regard but several steps backward in another. But then I got pregnant and had a baby. Since then I have seen a serious memory deficit. Here is the recent mishap. Last week, one of my classes was scheduled to take an exam. When my babysitter arrived, I was ready to print out said exam. My computer decided it had enough of my dictatorship over its keys and such and died. It must have conspired with our charger cord because it decided that it wasn't going to work in any outlet. I was seriously late by the time I realized that these two "enemies" were sticking to their guns. I left for the class with the decision to take my computer and work on it at the school. Twenty minutes into the drive, I realize that I left what DID get printed on the printer. By that time, I was ready to raise my white flag. It worked out fine that day. Like most students, they were glad to have an extra week to study. We started the next unit instead.

Today, I was prepared to be prepared. I had the test already printed out and set it where I was not going to miss it as I headed out the door. I got to school and realized that in all the energy it took my brain to remember the test, I forgot the textbook. I usually keep both textbooks I use in the car. Sigh. Not a big deal for my students but it was not part of the plan. I see that I cannot rely on my brain as I once had. Its capabilities are limited until my child (and whatever future children) are grown...or at least sleeping through the night. I know you other moms can relate. I can only laugh at myself and move on.

if you like it than you better put a sling on it

2010-02-20T12:26:00.001-06:00

I went to a la leche meeting this past week and several of the girls were talking about a youtube video inspired by Beyonce's song "Put a ring on it". I played it a few minutes ago and realized that the maker of this video was Leigh Pennebaker, a girl I went to college with. I always liked her. She always seemed above the fray and was extremely talented yet kind. Well, I learned a while back that she moved to New York City and has her sculptures all over the city in high end stores like Saks. Good for her. I am proud to have known and am happy to hear of her success. Also, love that she is an attachment parent. :) Here is her video.

sweet friends, sweet treats, sweet SAINTS WINNING the SUPERBOWL!!

2010-02-16T17:36:00.000-06:00

Here are some pictures of our Superbowl night. We all were thrilled to see the Saints "finish strong". I am not a football girl at all but the Saints have really turned me onto the game. It was such a good thing for our state.

Anyway, here is a cutie makin' love to the camera while my little one admires her sparkle! Iris entertained David all night. She was incredibly gentle with him. And oh yeah--she is a LSU tigers fan, don't ya know?!

I want to show David Jr. when he is older that he was alive when the Saints went to the Superbowl and kicked tail.

Here is a close up of his shirt. It was an appropriate shirt given to us by cousin Robbie and soon-to-be-bride, Natalie. We told them that he would wear it when the Saints went to the superbowl. As soon as he put it on, the game started swing our way.

Roy and David becoming more acquainted. I believe they are ready for a chunky boy of their own. Theirs probably won't contrast as much (wink, wink ;)

Two handsome fellas holding their cutie patootie babies. I love it!!!

So so handsome. Makes me gush.

newly realized pet peeve

2010-02-04T16:57:00.000-06:00

On Saturday (as part of our bi-monthly date), David and I went to Hobby Lobby so that I could get some mats for 3 pictures I have that I want to put in the guest room. I was greeted (and that is an overstatement) by a short man who was quite gruff. He continually told us how busy he was. There were lots of people in the store but they weren't lining up to talk to him, but hey, I give him the benefit of the doubt. This man obviously wants me to understand that he is not able to give me his full time or attention. I tell him what I want and ask a few questions about cost. Again, gruff. I reassure him (since he seems too stressed out over such a simple order) that I don't need the mats that day and that I am more than happy to come by and pick it up later in the week. I tell him that the frames, albeit very similar in size, are in fact of different measurement. A small difference but enough to account for when cutting mats. Afterall, folks, you should know that I worked a year in a frame shop in high school. I am not a numbskull when it comes to the business of cutting mats and framing. However, he doesn't know that and I'm willing to play the trusting, unknowing customer. So, he busily measures my frames and pictures and writes those numbers furiously down. I am purposely giving out an air that is relaxed and calm and hoping that this aura of mine catches (therapist trick). He then stops and looks at me and with the increasingly gruff (and increasingly annoying to me) manner tells me that two of the frames are the same. I reply calmly that they are actually different. Does he re-measure? No. He just states over and over to my protests that they are the same size. Fine. At this point, I just metaphorically throw my hands up in the air and say, "ok, great."

Fast forward to three days later...

I pick up the mats and today put them in their frames at home. Sure enough, those two "same" frames are not so "same". One of the mats is too small for the frame. GRRRRR! I was right. Not only was I right but I was right AND I spoke up but was ignored. GRRRRR!

Maybe I just hate the in-efficiency of having to deal with this man's (arrogant) mistake. Maybe I hate to be questioned (definitely true about me in general). But I fumed a good while when I figured out that I was right. But I feel a heck of a lot better now that I've shared my frustration with you guys.

I heart brandon but...

2010-02-03T17:43:00.000-06:00

I love living in brandon but I would also love to see it grow and thrive. I get super excited to see new businesses open up and hope that residents will support those businesses so that they don't die, well, mostly. I am thinking of the new restaurant that opened not far from our home. It was called Bonkers and it was just not grabbing customers. They were a burger place that we tried once. Not impressive. And to no one's surprise the place closed down in less than a year. I felt sorry for those owners' who were hoping to survive and thrive. Perhaps that was their drea--to own their own business. I understand that desire. Maybe it is the lack of productivity that there appears to be when I am at home with David Jr. or maybe it is just a strong part of how the Lord created me (probably both), but I find myself daydreaming about creating and starting a business. Anyway, I'm getting off track. Back to Brandon. I have seen other businesses come up (like Two Ugly Mugs, a coffee and creamery shop) and really hope people go there. I want it to survive. If it survives, then that means other people will bring their businesses to Brandon. That would be great. We could use more restaurants and retailers. Not too many, but more. Which has me thinking...what would I want to open in Brandon? Hmmmm. I think a Backyard Burger and/or ChickFilA would be nice. Oh, and I would love to have an IHOP. Well, this dream is a stretch but Coffee Rani (a restaurant only in south louisiana) would be a dream come true. I have wondered many many times if I could hack it as a restauranteur, specifically for a Coffee Rani franchise here in MS. Probably not. But I'll keep hoping that it will come here and that the owners will allow me to be a silent partner (while we are dreaming...).

P.S. No, I'm not pregnant (for the several people who thought I was).

fan of dirt

2010-01-24T17:15:00.000-06:00

I'm not a fan of dirt actually. I tolerate it to an extent. However, when something is immensely disgusting it is hard not to look away. In fact, there are producers that make lots of money from t.v. shows that show such nasty ventures. Think about it: Survivor is only one of them. Well, there is a fantastic show that I discovered on the...ahem...discovery channel called Dirty Jobs. A very blue-collar-friendly guy, Mike Rowe, who takes us to different jobs that others do. What they have in common is that most people would never want to touch their job with a 10 ft. pole. For example, he has worked with those who farm meal worms for other sportsmen. Or those who go through abandoned buildings to rid them of rodents. Or cleaning out animals and sterilizing their bones for educational or display purposes. He sees gross things and smells gross things. Normally, this show would only attract me for so long. What brings me back again and again is the host. Mike Rowe is witty, clever, quick, and ultra-likeable. Apparently, I am not the only one who thinks so. He has now become the spokesperson for the Ford truck company (and frankly, all of the blue collar/hard working man). He does not demean these folks that he brings us to meet on his show but rather commends them for doing something no one else wants to do. All the while making his audience laugh. I'd be lying too if I didn't admit that he is easy on the eyes. So, there's my plug: educational while giving a salute to those people that make living comfortably a possibility AND entertaining. Can you ask for more?

my boy is 9 and 1/2 months old

2010-01-18T19:15:00.000-06:00

Yes. And that is 2 and 1/2 months from ONE YEARS OLD! I must use all caps in order to emphasize how CRAZY that actually is. I remember thinking that my son would never grow out of napping on me in the rocking chair. I remember thinking that it would be a long time before he could entertain himself while I did something...anything that wasn't baby related. We are there. He sits in the living room and plays. He naps in our bed without me for at least 45 minutes at a time (but will go down longer if I nurse down again). He eats our food, he babbles (dadadada, gaga), he is trying oh-so-hard at crawling. He is SO MUCH FUN!

I am enjoying this stage so much. It makes me want more and I feel excited about being pregnant again. David Sr. --not so much. He is less excited and I am surprised that it has worked out that way. I mean, afterall, he is the one that came from the large family. He does remind me and I am sobered to remember that I was not in the throes of momma-euphoria in the first few months of jr.'s life. Breastfeeding hurt and not just because I never had THAT much action in that area. It was thrush. I never got anything done back then. It was a huge accomplishment if I got to eat lunch.

making baklava (pronounced: bet-leh-wah)

2010-01-08T13:24:00.000-06:00

I made this a couple of times this season. I'm actually not a great of fan of this dessert. I liken eating or buying baklava to a tourist in New York buying a statuette of the Statue of Liberty. It is there for tourists only because that ends up being how a culture defines itself. Frankly, I don't like it. However, when I made my own it tasted scrumptious as it came out of the oven. So, perhaps I am just a fan of fresh baklava. I took some pictures to remember the event. If you want the recipe let me know and I'll get it to you. It is one of those desserts that looks terribly complicated but is thoroughly easy.

Spreading chopped walnuts and sugar on layers of buttered philo dough

Yummy!

Christmas in Newellton

2010-01-08T13:10:00.001-06:00

I hate this picture of me, but I couldn't resist posting since my two Davids look great!

David Jr. was nearing nap time so the joys of new experiences like crinkly wrapping paper in pretty colors was getting old. If this picture had sound you would hear whining.

Happy David!

He is on his new bear rug from Grandmere. So soft and cuddly (the bear, I mean--although David Jr. is definitely soft and cuddly).

David is wearing a hat and bib from his Taita (lebanese for Grandmother). He didn't mind wearing the hat.

Getting some lovin' from his Aunt Esther. He loves his Aunt!

A great shot with the pretty tree in the background. I love those pjs. I think we left them at the Hogue house?

Full of comfort and joy!

spa

2009-12-18T18:56:00.001-06:00

Wouldn't you want to take a hot bath near a roaring fire and a Christmas tree? I would.

P.S. I was still working on his stocking which is why it isn't on the mantle. Paula, you are the inspiration for these stockings. However, what you sewed, I glued. A very, VERY simplistic version of your beautiful stockings.

for want of wisdom

2009-12-16T12:25:00.000-06:00

I have too often come across "Christian" paraphrenalia that have the adage, "Wise Men Still Seek Him". I walk away from them with an unsettled feeling in my stomach. What is this saying really...well...saying? I interpret this platitude to be telling the world that christians are more wise, or dare I say, overall better than everyone else. It is offensive. Not offensive in the same way that the Gospel is offensive because unbelievers hate needing a Savior. I am okay with that (I have to be). It offends because the writer is being a "hater"--in other words, the writer is not being a "lover" or loving. And on top of that, the writer albeit clever is not being humble. Two things we are commanded to be are loving and humble. This saying is neither. Do you see the problem? I don't want to be connected to that. I don't want to be about that at all. I am a christian that seeks the Lord. I am not wise for it. I am compelled because there is no other Way (note the capital "W"). What wisdom that has seeped into my thick skull is from His Gracious Hand and not from any talent I may grossly exaggerate in importance. The writer's abilities come from the Lord, but that saying surely did not.

nightmare on spencer

2009-12-03T15:20:00.001-06:00

I am not sure why I believe this but nightmares seem...well...childish. I rarely have them so when I do, I probably give them more thought than I ought. Last night, I had about 3 nightmares. The one that was most upsetting was where I went to a very large restaurant called arrozo de something (I remembered the name last night but my memory of the dream has become fuzzy). It was large enough that you could get lost in it. I was with some combination of cousins and friends. I decided to leave the baby because he was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him. We get to our next destination and I realize that he is over 30minutes away and anything could happen to him. Kidnapping! Crying with no one to hear! I went back as fast as I could and could find no trace of him. I was horrified and grieved to the core. I woke up upset and thought about waking David. It took me awhile to actually feel better. It was very real.

the ABC's of giving thanks

2009-11-27T09:14:00.000-06:00

I thought it would be fun to go through the alphabet of things I'm thankful that aren't Jesus, friends, or family.

A- attachment parenting (I can hear you groaning from here)
B- Bono and blogs (i read a lot of them for inspiration)
C- cool breezes (esp. since I have hot flashes all the time)
D- December (Christmas--ooh, could've used that for "C")
E- easy recipes
F- Florida (no beaches like it) and FoxTrot comic strips
G- ground beef (i fell in love with when I had my first hamburger)
H- happy tv shows, music, and people
I- Icee (don't drink them now but they were happy treats from my childhood)
J- justice served on this side of heaven
K- krispie kreme donuts (because they make my husband so happy)
L- loose clothing (it means i'm losing weight--hello! I am way smaller than I was before pregnancy and before jr. high for that matter)
M- microchips (don't understand them but i am glad they exist)
N- naps (any kind, for either baby or myself)
O- open, honest and I-care-about-you/I-care-about-me communication (yes, I'm a nerdy therapist)
P- Pennsylvania Dutch eggnog
Q- Q-tips (ok, so not a lot of Q's but I'm reaching)
R- rock and roll, baby!
S- SUNSHINE!!!!
T- t.v. (very uncool to some people to like t.v. but I don't care)
U- underbed storage (holds wrapping goodies, out of season clothing)
V- vino (ok, i cheated--it is in a different language)
W- winter drinks at starbucks (i never get them but i like knowing they are there with their festive red cups)
X- X-mas (ok, reaching again...)
Y- yellow houses (so cheerful no matter the weather)
Z- zippers (because they are functional and practical)

7 and a half mos.??!

2009-11-15T20:58:00.000-06:00

Yes, david jr. is that old. I can hardly believe it. He weighs (are you sitting down?) 23lbs 8oz. He is, however, growing taller so that all the rolls are getting slightly smaller. I still have a job in cleaning in between all the fat, though. He has two bottom teeth and two top teeth. However, the top two teeth aren't the front ones. One is but the other one is his side tooth...strange. We survived our first ear infection and I was traumatized by the constant night wakings. Nothing like a sick baby to make me appreciate how wonderful he is when he is healthy. It was so sad to see him sick. The worst is over (we hope) but he is still recovering. Yesterday, I set him in his jumper. A few minutes passed and I didn't hear anything as I was fixing breakfast. I walked over and he had his head resting on the side, just staring. *sigh* so cute, so pitiful.

It is a bit easier to get out with him. He enjoys his carseat and it usually lulls him to sleep. He is more willing to hang out with me in the sling and I'm more amenable to not being in stores as long as I used to. So, I've adjusted to my new lack of freedom. David Jr. is smiling and laughing more and we love it. He has us chuckling with every giggle. There is no happier sound to my ears this side of heaven. He shows desire to move beyond the place he is sitting but just hasn't quite figured out how to accomplish it. He will bend far over his legs which manages to get his head closer to his destination but that's all. He also will manage to move to his stomach. Depending on his mood, he will like it or hate it.

The foods he has had up to this point (and in order) are:
rice cereal, butternut squash, avocado, sweet potato, banana, apple.

He loves the squash, avocado, sweet potato, and banana. Apples he turns away but it also might be because he wasn't feeling well this week and just didn't eat much of anything that wasn't momma's milk.

He is playing with his toys and making noises (usually when he is displeased)that sound like "nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah". We hear it when he wants out of his jumper or when we are giving him medicine. David Sr. thinks its cute but I'm not so sure. I think this is a precursor to "no".

I see him turning his attention to the t.v. now and this has me much more aware of what I watch and what he is exposed to. He seems pleased with musicals. He really liked Annie when it was on. Or it was just gas. ;)

can you guess which is the honeybear, honeybee, and the honey?

2009-10-31T20:34:00.002-05:00

kitchen redo

2009-10-22T12:53:00.000-05:00

I have been doing brain somersaults trying to figure out what to do with our kitchen. I am awful at making these decisions that will last for years and be expensive. It is hard to commit to something depending that is dependent on my decision. So, I am sending out a request for feedback on this kitchen. I have poured over magazines, blogs, and other internet sites to find the perfect solution. Anyway, here it is:

I am still unsure whether to paint our cabinets. I think I want to but then I start to doubt again. David feels sure it should be painted. Look at these pictures and tell me what you think.

We need to have a backsplash. I am open to all suggestions. I have gone from glass tile, to paint, to halfway up or all the way up the wall. I'm just to darn uncertain. The granite countertops that we got this summer are to be the focal point. They are shiny so does that mean I need a matte finish on the backsplash tile? I would love to use glass tile but it may compete with the granite and I don't want that to happen. I want the eye to be drawn to whatever it is supposed to be drawn to. Meredith--your expertise is especially coveted.

I need suggestions for both brown cabinets and white. I also thought about going a bit crazy and painting the cabinets a greyish blue color. Sounds crazier than I think it would look but it is all about resale here. We want to resell. We will hopefully have a stainless steel appliances. The floor is a greyish stone with creamy undertones (vinyl tile).

sitting up

2009-10-13T13:43:00.002-05:00

first solids

2009-10-13T11:23:00.001-05:00

you do what you gotta do

2009-10-07T14:03:00.002-05:00

I am able to sit down and write this blog because the past few days I have been able to "convince" baby david to sleep in his swing. Of course, I have had to put the swing in the bathroom so that the running water can help soothe him to sleep. I sit on the floor beside him and sing and he eventually falls asleep. My epiphany came when I realized that if I move the swing into the bathroom he will have all that he usually has with us: Motion, song, and white noise (bath water). This way I am free during his naps to be productive. Ok, so writing a blog isn't extremely productive but during his last nap I cleaned out the microwave and ate lunch. It is nice to just sit. Ahhhh.

This new development has given me a sense of hope. It is a small step but it means at least an hour or so of freedom in the morning and in the evening. I'm not going to even think about when he outgrows the swing at this point. I'm just enjoying this new thing. Some things that I thought I would enjoy I have not as much. I was excited to see him start solids (last week) but as I was doing that I started to feel sad. He is growing up fast. Part of me loves that he is growing and another part is sad that I'm seeing phases pass by. I wonder if in a few years I will still remember looks he gives me, his smell, his manner. I am SO not ready to be phased out as a momma and I know that I have more time but does anyone else see how much faster time goes when you have children? It is frightening. I have wrinkles, people!

My wrinkles stand out more these days because I am looking at baby skin all the time. Comparatively my skin looks like rawhide. I'm not ready to lose my elasticity in my skin and look like a dried up prune. It isn't pretty. I find it also strange to say that in ten years I'll be 40. Those of you who read this blog who are nearer than I am or past this point, my apologies. I'm just sayin'...

David and I are so busy with our little guy (who has stolen our hearts) that we find that our house is falling apart around our ears. David would tell me that was not the case but I have a propensity to use hyperbole...a lot. :) So, what I mean is that shingles from our roof have fallen off and because of all the rain we have water spots on our bedroom ceiling--not good. We have spiders and roaches (more spiders than roaches) but YUCK! We have gutters that are overflowing and stopped up. David is up to his forehead in school work for Prep and for graduate school (although it has been better lately and I think it is because David is learning to relax a bit about his work {good thing}). We often wonder how other parents get anything done but we are making it. We are seeing our son thrive. We are blessed (just not with all the time we want).

I don't feel as much of a prisoner as I have early on. I guess that means I'm used to the loss of freedom. What I lose in freedom I have gained in this alien feeling of complete bondedness to a very fat little baby. I am in love with this boy. It isn't butterflys and sappy music kind of love. It is a I'll-fight-you-if-you-try-to-harm-him love. It is a gritty-ier kind of love. I can't describe it very well but it can be intense some days. I realize it when I see other babies in pain or hurting and I feel so sad. I know that motherhood has changed me. It isn't terrible. Just different.

Happy Autumn!

some more pictures

2009-09-23T11:47:00.002-05:00

david's baptism

2009-09-23T11:39:00.002-05:00

It was a sweet event. Thanks to Esther and Jim for taking pictures. For those who weren't there, David Jr. barely fit his 6 mos. old outfit (he was almost 5 mos. old) and was happy for most of it. When Pastor Mike turned him away from his audience he started to fuss. Overall, he did great and we were thankful for such a memorable day.

God knew what he was doing when he gave us a Sabbath.

2009-09-13T16:47:00.002-05:00

I love Sundays. Awhile back, maybe a year ago, I wrote that David and I weren't sure we liked Sundays all that much. We kind of felt lost and down. These days, Sundays are truly a rest for us. David Sr. is home and not thinking about his work. This means that he isn't as tense or stressed. Also, we share more of the load that David Jr. is which gives me a good break. Our pastor has been going through James and it has been refreshing. He is focusing on suffering so why does that refresh me? Well, it reminds me where my hope is and it validates the journey that I (and many of you) have been on. Anyway, back to my monologue on our Sundays...

David and I have turned Sunday night into a mini church for us. We listen to Mark Driscoll on the internet. We are also turning this time into a marriage enrichment for ourselves by listening to his Song of Solomon series. We look forward to being fed in the morning and the evening with the hydrating and filling sermons. I also get to watch one of my favorite shows: Design Star on HGTV. I know, I know. There are enough reality competitions out there. However, this has to do with design and decorating and so I can't ignore it.

I feel sorry for those who don't allow themselves this peace and rest. They toil on and on believing all is on their shoulders. To rest is to trust the Lord, I think. Here we are enjoying the quiet. The t.v. is off. The baby is asleep. David is writing. Ahhhh. Peace. I hope you are relaxing,as well. Happy Sunday to you!

feeling stuck

2009-08-30T15:26:00.002-05:00

I can come up with wonderful ideas for my blog and tell myself that I will write it when I get the chance. I open up my blog, sign in, and am ready to type but the ideas are gone. I brood over the empty page for a little while, ruminating over possible blog-worthy topics. I give up and then go to facebook. What is that about? I think that I second-guess the topic, or think about my usual audience and how it will be interpreted (or misinterpreted) by them. I have a similar experience when I have some valuable free time and am unmotivated or too tired to do all the things that I dream of doing around here.

I went out with David for his birthday on Friday night. I was looking forward to it all week. We left the baby with babysitters we trusted and were off to a nice dinner. I thought that I was going to feel free, unburdened, and exhilarated by this unfamiliar lightness. Instead, I felt kind of empty and tired. I enjoyed David's company and the food (Bonefish) but didn't feel the excitement that I thought I would. I suppose I missed the baby but I think I really missed the purpose the baby gave me. However, I find that when I am with the baby, I miss being creative and productive. I also realized recently that even though pouring myself into the baby is appropriate and good, it gives me little satisfaction at the end of the day. I can't show David as he walks in the door at the end of the day all that I've accomplished. All I can do is say, "The baby is alive, dressed, fed, and relatively happy." I am investing in a life where the fruit of my labor cannot be measured. All I really want to do now is sew some curtains, put stuff on the walls, redecorate my kitchen, finish projects. It does help to look back or think back to the first couple of months with the baby and how tiny he was. He is surely growing and I have been fortunate enough to be part of that process. I also imagine that from the Lord's perspective, I have been growing too. He certainly is more patient with the fruit that I slowly bear with the outpouring of His love and life. He sees to it that I die to self daily. I won't say that being a mother doesn't have its wonderful moments because it definitely does. But I can't deny how much I have had to "perish every fond ambition". All in all, my life is blessed. I know that. I just don't think I have ever had to work this hard before.

swingin' a sling

2009-08-15T17:49:00.004-05:00

warning: scary hair pictures :)

I have enjoyed our sling when I have used it and highly recommend it to other mothers. I especially recommend it to mothers who have children that want to be held a lot (like mine). Some books and experts write that anything can be accomplished while a baby is in a sling. Uh...no. But it gives more freedom than you would have. In my sling I have: baked a cake, folded clothes, swept the floor, shopped, walked through a museum, and various other things. I also use it to help me hold him when I am soothing him to sleep. He is heavy and my arms are strong but after awhile they get sore. One more reason to use the sling, it is so good for your baby. They get all those good chemicals running through their body from being close to their momma. Also, they are able to be a passive participant in your daily activities. They learn about their world this way. It is very stimulating. My son happens to be super observant and will throw a hissy if he has to see the same scenery longer than 30 seconds sometimes. So, this helps keep him busy. What's more comforting than hanging out with momma?

I have been using a sling by "tiny safari". I bought it at Dr. Saenz office in madison (breastfeeding clinic). I think you can order it online too at www.tinysafari.com. I like it better than the ones from Hotslings because it is adjustable as your baby grows or depending on the several different positions you use.

a break

2009-08-15T16:26:00.002-05:00

Well, sort of a break. I had to go to the yearly adjunct meeting this morning from 8-11:30am at the Raymond campus of Hinds Community College. I was nervous about going because it was the longest I have ever been away from baby david. However, I am completely and utterly comfortable leaving baby david with his daddy. This gave me peace of mind. Other than getting up early and other than having to listen to a bunch of stuff that was repetitious to me (afterall, I have been doing this for 4 years), it was so good for me to get away. I came home feeling refreshed and happy to see baby david.

In related news, David and I have been praying and thinking on who could babysit our sweet baby. We were pretty specific about our needs. We wanted someone who was willing to come with me to work for a little while until I think baby david is familiar with his sitter and vice versa. Also, if I am needed for anything, I will just be a hallway away. I also don't have stores of breastmilk yet. This was STRESSING me out. I just couldn't see how all of this was going to pan out and was worried about finding someone for those few afternoon hours. Alas, I prayed about it this morning and chose not to worry and *poof* we have babysitters. The Lord is good because they are folks I feel comfortable hanging out with baby david and I feel comfortable enough to specify what we want. Hurray!

What does that mean? It means that David and I can date again (each other, of course). I am excited about the possibilities of getting away and not being constrained by nursing (b/c I am working on my stores from now on). David is excited to go to the movies while I am just thrilled to have a change of scenery without the cares of caring for an infant for a few hours. I suppose I am getting ahead of myself. I still have to see how the sitters and david mesh but I am hoping for the best! Afterall, these girls have more experience with babies than I ever had.

misinterpreted

2009-08-14T15:34:00.002-05:00

NOTE: This isn't written at any one person. I will never (Lord willing) use my blog in order to send "secret" rebukes to anyone.

I have found that throughout my pregnancy and the 4 and 1/2 months of motherhood, I've experienced that I don't present myself accurately to others. When I talk to other mothers about parenting, I don't want them to feel judged or insecure about their personal method. My way of doing that looks like me being very open and vulnerable about my doubts of my own method. Unfortunately, this appears to others like I am more unsure than I am. I feel pretty strongly about our philosophy, meaning I am sure that this method is right for our child, both our temperaments, and our family as a whole. No, it is not the easy route. Yes, there are times when I am so tired that I question whether all this effort is worth it. I retain the right to complain about how hard it is, or how tired I am just like any other mom with any other method. So, you might hear me question it. You might hear me complain. You might wonder why I bother with attachment parenting (my philosophy and method). We bother because we feel strongly about it. Our method is well thought out, researched, studied, and not as strange as some parents have thought. In fact, this method is the tried and true method that existed before "baby training" ever came about. I am sorry that I have misrepresented myself so often. I really just enjoy being genuine with others with hopes that others would feel safe with my honesty and vulnerability. I also believe it to be an attempt on my part to practice humility. I should work on presenting a fuller picture of who I am. I'm not all insecurity and fear. My husband and closest friends can tell you that I'm opinionated, confident, competent, and not prone to emotionalism. I'm quite pragmatic. Just thought I would let you all know.

great minds

2009-08-14T15:28:00.002-05:00

I found this quote from David's blog and really liked and often observed it (in myself, sorrowfully, and in others).

"Oh, it is easy for the one who stands outside the prison-wall of pain to exhort and teach the one who suffers." Aeschylus, Prometheus Bound.

another quote which I laughingly identify with

"Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense." Frasier

juicy

2009-08-09T19:18:00.002-05:00

We were at Primo's restaurant when some of the women who worked there came out and started doting on our son and kept calling him "juicy". I really loved the term. It just sounds delectable, doesn't it? He does look like if you pricked him with a pin he might slowly deflate. It brings up funny and cute pictures for me (though that last one might not sound pleasant to some of you).

Here is the recent stuff on baby david: He is about 19 lbs now. He laughs, can roll from his back to his side, tries to put things in his mouth and misses a lot. He started nursing every 3 to 4 hours (hurray and boohoo at the same time). We read him so much better than before. We know when he is sleepy, hungry, bored, happy. He has a 5 o'clock shadow on his head and i'm so glad that his hair is growing back. He was looking like mr. clean for a while. He isn't going to be one of those babies that doesn't have hair until 2.

David and I are starting back up with our jobs (David is fulltime and I'm teaching partime (6hours a week). I am starting next week and in need of a good babysitter that I trust. I am going to bring the babysitter with me for awhile so that if there is something that goes wrong or if he needs to nurse I will be nearby. My classes take breaks anyway and nursing only lasts ten minutes or so. I would like to have the babysitter lined up ASAP so that we can schedule her to come and spend time with him so that he will be used to her. We are praying about this person and hope something works out, otherwise, I might have a baby attached to me while I talk about development ;).

new catalog and a new deal--buy 2, get 3rd free!!

2009-08-06T16:48:00.001-05:00

check out the new products and new ideas:

http://www.uppercaseliving.com/flash/flipbook-fall09/book.swf

are taxes that bad?

2009-08-01T21:42:00.002-05:00

We happened to be about town today and decided to stop by our old haunt (old because we rarely get to go now--and that is not necessarily a bad thing), Borders. There was terrible traffic. David had to park all the way by Kirkland's (all the way across the shopping center). All because Mississippi had a tax free day today (and yesterday). It looked like the last weekend before Christmas out there (or worse). Is it saving people that much money to buy things on taxfree day? It hardly seems worth the effort, especially with all the traffic and crowds (and rain).

a new perspective

2009-07-26T20:50:00.003-05:00

My parents gave us money for our anniversary (so generous--Thanks Mom and Dad). I wonder actually if my parents should thank us because what we did was buy a video camera with the money. So now, we can post video footage... or we will when it comes in. It is a Sony Handycam. We were going to get a Flip but David was concerned that the quality wasn't good enough to keep our precious memories. The first thing I want to capture is baby david's bicycle kick when we have him straddling our legs. It is super cute--a baby goin' places.

sleepy baby

2009-07-26T20:44:00.002-05:00

Do babies get nightmares? The other night I had baby david in my lap sleeping. Without stirring himself awake he just started howling. His eyes were closed and tears were coming out of his eyes and he was screaming as if he were terrified. I picked him up and tried to soothe him and calm him down. That wasn't working so I went to the next trick and turned on the tub full blast. He quieted and was asleep in a matter of seconds. Which had both of us wondering if he ever woke up and was having a night terror. It was sad to see him so distressed. Talk about pulling at our heartstrings.

i'm just sayin'...

2009-07-22T20:25:00.002-05:00

So my son is now 3 mos. and 3 weeks old. He is a chunk! I was never drawn to fat babies but I love his fat. It is cute and a wonderful sign of the health the Lord has blessed him (and us) with. His feedings only last for about 15 to 20 minutes now and he is eating for the most part every 2 hours. At night, he goes longer. He does cluster-feed every now and then but that usually means a nice stretch after that. He loves kicking his legs as if he were walking (supercute) and loves to have us hold him with his back to us so that he can see the world. He is very watchful and observant.

David finished his summer course and we both agree that it was hard for both of us. I was a single parent and David was stressed about keeping up with the work. The drive there and back was smooth (not to say that we didn't have a crying baby in the back). David let me drive a lot of the way since I LOVE to drive and get my best music and meditation time in the car. He sat in the back with little david to keep an eye. He got to read and sleep which I think he enjoyed.

We are trying to enjoy and take advantage of the 3 weeks we have left before David reports to Jackson Prep. My job is still up in the air (technically it isn't but only because I haven't spoken with my new department head yet). I'm just not sure about leaving little David. I don't have a babysitter lined up and am not sure it is worth it. My job doesn't really pay well but it does ease our monthly budget.

I know this is kind of a boring post but I have no energy at the moment to write anything that is creative or unique. I think I'll be going to bed early tonight.

3 years, 3 people, one who is 3 mos.

2009-07-15T13:47:00.002-05:00

I'm gonna get a little gushy. I think I am allowed seeing as this is my anniversary. When I think about my husband my heart feels so full. I find him more handsome and sexy, more godly and patient, and just MORE of everything my heart desired. When we met, dated (briefly) and were married I knew that he was a gift from above. Every sweet thing he did I knew the Lord was winking at me saying, "Here, this is for you. I know what you desire, my Beloved. Seek no more crumbs--here is a feast!" However, unlike a feast, this gift keeps on giving. Unfolded before my eyes is a man who surprises me with his moral courage, his willingness to think outside the box when all around him are those who would never dare, his love for seeing others come to Christ, his devotion to me and our son. I never met a more amazing man. If you don't know him, you should. If you think me improved, you can thank him. If you think our son cute, it is due him. The good Lord, and eternal Husband KNOWS how to give good gifts. Thank you for these 3 years!

smiley face

2009-07-06T18:05:00.003-05:00

welcome to mooooeeeee's!

2009-07-06T18:01:00.005-05:00

We have found Moe's! We've missed it and were overjoyed to see it's familiar sign with "open" lit within. Had to commemorate with pictures.

our 9 hour drive turned 12 hour drive

2009-07-06T17:49:00.002-05:00

We left for Florida on Saturday morning looking for coffee. We both had in our minds to go to Seattle Drip but lo and behold--closed for the 4th of July. So, we went to Cups which were thankfully opened. We made our way to Columbus, GA. Why? Glad you asked. David's sister, Sara and her family are there and offered to be the middle point so that if we couldn't go any further we could camp at their place. It only added an hour drive (so make it a 10 hour drive). We got there around 4:30pm after making 3 stops that were uneventful. We decided to take a chance and leave for Gainesville after resting at their place for a couple of hours. We mainly wanted to give little David a chance to be out of his carseat for longer than a feeding. The evening was a little more rough. Little David was tired and was harder to console, which brings me to my rant about carseats! I want our baby to be safe but I HATE that I can't hold him while we drive. HATE! HATE! HATE! It is simply unnatural. We got to the hotel and slept a really good sleep. We got about 5 hours in a row which felt great! We spent Sunday getting groceries and driving around the University of Florida to get oriented. So far, things are promising.

chunky monkey

2009-07-02T18:29:00.002-05:00

I noticed that all the pictures I put on the blog show our baby looking tiny. Well, he is tiny still but way less tiny. He has caught up in weight. He went from being in the 10th percentile in weight to the 75-90th percentile in two months. The doctors were impressed and I have to say that I feel proud that it was my milk that nourished him. He weighs around 15lbs and is wearing some of his 6mos. clothes. He didn't linger in the 3 mos. category for clothing long enough for him to enjoy those clothes. Our arms are getting a workout since we are holding him so much. He's grown out of the "monkey hold" (as seen above). I'm glad we got pics of it.

He is smiling a lot and we love it! He has an adorable dimpled smile and I don't know that we've caught it on film yet...but we will. He loves to sit up with the help of momma and when he is tired of that view he "asks" us to stand up. He looks very proud of himself as his head wobbles on his strengthening neck. I can see how that is hard work since his cheeks alone probably weigh a lot. He allows us to put him in the swing way more. He spends close to at least 20 minutes in his swing daily. He loves looking at the mirror and dancing lambs. The ceiling fan holds an undefeatable allure for him--good thing we have one in every room. His parents are enjoying the more interactive David. It beats the gassy David of a month before. I love to talk to him in a made up language that I got from David sr. who I think got it from his older brother, Benjamin. I also love to kiss him. He is so very kissable!

happy belated birthday, cora godiva hogue

2009-07-02T18:17:00.003-05:00

Our dog and part-daughter, Cora, has turned 2 this past May. I remembered the day but did not acknowledge it on the blog. People often ask us how Cora has responded to our new addition. Well, beautifully. When David was still in the hospital we would bring home blankets and clothes of his so that she could smell it and get used to that smell. When we brought David home, we bent down to let her sniff him and the introduction was over. The only difference we've seen is that she barks more at those who walk by our house and when David cries she comes to investigate. I can only assume she is protective and accepting of him into our little pack. David has not had much of a response when she sees a big hairy nose in his face. He also is used to the barking. I forgot that he actually heard that barking in the womb so he was already used to it when he was born. Here are some pictures of our "children" together.

a change of scenery

2009-06-29T19:21:00.004-05:00

I changed the picture of my heading in the blog. Yes, I love my baby david but I was not intending to make the picture so big. I don't know how to make it smaller but I didn't want to change the picture because I like it so much. Eventually, I will have it printed and framed.

kitchen makeover sooner than expected

2009-06-25T12:39:00.003-05:00

When we moved into our home, I had a vision for what changes we could make to up the value of our house and make living in it all the more pleasant. I've always enjoyed seeing the potential in homes and have a lot of fun obsessing over it. Well, for fun, David and I went to Home Depot to price countertops. I knew that replacing our laminate countertops would be wise. However, granite was way out of our price range. We looked at Corian and Dupont and came up with a price of about $2500. Well, we were glad to have an idea of how much it would cost but were not going to be doing it anytime soon. About a week later, David gets a call from a mom whose daughter needed Latin tutoring. In exchange she offered to give us....granite counter tops!! Wow! Her husband owns a local company. We picked our granite and our counter tops have been measured. We purchased a new stainless steel sink and faucet (at Overstock.com--a really REALLY good deal). So, soon we will see a dramatic difference in our kitchen. We would have had to pay around $3 grand for these counter tops. What a deal! I have to thank the Lord who gives good gifts--way bigger and better than we expect or deserve. After the countertops, we (well, me actually) will research some backsplashes and decide whether to paint our cabinets (leaning toward yes). I'm excited to see the changes.

david sr. is wonderful and i'm a schmuck!

2009-06-22T12:10:00.003-05:00

Father's Day has come and gone. In my sleepy and self-absorbed way I didn't do very much to help David Sr. feel special. He is very special, in fact. His not-so-charming wife just couldn't get it together to make the day stand out for him. I got him a gift and gave it to him early and I also had a card for him. I never filled out the card so I didn't give it to him. I was planning on filling it out sometime that Sunday but it was a rough day with baby David. He was expecting something in the morning and I didn't realize that. So, anyway. I wanted to publicly praise my husband for his faithfulness as a daddy.

David is a great father because:

1. He is very tender and gentle.
2. He helps change the diapers and comfort lil' david when he is upset so well! and even when he is half-asleep.
3. He is proud of being his papa and proud to have others dote on him.
4. He encourages and helps lil' david's mama so that she can keep going with the constant and frequent feedings around the clock.
5. He thinks ahead as to how to bring david up in God's word and is ready to teach him how loving a Lord and Savior we serve.
6. He prays for and over tiny david.
7. He had a great example in duty and faithfulness from his own father and better yet our Great Heavenly Father.

And since it was father's day who better to thank than our Great Father in Heaven for all his rich blessings, watchful and protective eye, and sweet love. We love because he loves. We care because he cares. We do because he did/does. Thank you, Father! You have made our lives worth living. You have given us a great hope! You love us in very tangible ways. May everyone we know realize how great your love is and and how far you are willing to go and have gone to show us that love. Thank you for giving me my heart's desire in a godly husband and a healthy baby. I am always indebted to you!

what are other people doing?

2009-06-13T16:59:00.002-05:00

My house is a mess! I don't mean that my house is a mess because I have my shoes in the living room (i do) or that the laundry is still waiting to be taken out of the dryer (it is) but I mean that there is a general filth. There isn't enough time in a day, arms growing out of our bodies, or energy to tackle the daily chores we used to do more regularly. This only bothers me a little compared to the lack of freedom I've felt lately. I miss being able to go for hours at a time to go out to eat dinner with friends, or shop, or hang out at a bookstore. When we do these things it is way more complicated than it used to be. I am sure all you mothers out there know exactly what I'm talking about and probably complained about it a lot less than I do. I like to travel light. But it is the biggest irony that I have to pack like I'm going away for the weekend just to go...anywhere! What is also funny is that I manage to forget at least one essential item. Boppy or nursing cover or extra outfit for our lil' pooper or meds. I can't keep a running list in my head anymore. I walk and talk as if in a strange fog where I can't quite get my thoughts together. I frequently walk away from conversations with this unsettling feeling that I forgot to say something or didn't say it right.

I am watching my son change and grow and look forward to it getting easier but then I remember what it is like to be around a toddler--tiring. And is this when I am supposed to want another one? Hmmm. The last couple of days were a little crazy so maybe that is why I am feeling more inconvenienced lately. One night I had an anxiety attack that happened suddenly and out of nowhere. I was scared that I was going to relive my first experiences with panic and anxiety. The next day I was so tramautized that before any words came out of my mouth I cried on David's shoulder. He was very comforting as he reminded me that I have a lot more coping skills to handle this than I did last time. He also thought that I was experiencing more of a fluke than anything that was indicative of my anxiety becoming worse. While I was crying I looked down at little david and he, with eyes wide open, looked up at me and smiled. Wow. Aside from the fact that he thinks his momma crying is smile-worthy, I thought the timing of that smile was perfect. Thank you Lord! It didn't cure me but it was a sweet moment. That day I didn't have much of an appetite. I ate some eggs and apples throughout the day. I went to try my first yogalites class since pregnancy and it was a great workout. When you add the amount of food I consumed plus an intense workout plus a child who seemingly is going through his 3 mos. growth spurt 2 wks early, you get a woman who could barely get out of bed for low blood sugar. I could barely call david to the bed and when he did I asked him to bring me juice, then cereal. It took me quite a few hours to recover from that. Once recovered, I've been more careful to pay attention to my hunger pains.

This post is getting radically long so I'll stop here. David says as much as I might complain I still look at little david and my eyes light up. I don't know about that but I have definitely grown attached. He is such a cutie!

life lately

2009-06-05T20:10:00.002-05:00

The growth spurt is over and my sanity remained intact. However, new things have arisen. The pattern seems to be: nurse, cry, sleep. The crying portion of this new schedule is what concerns me. Typically this is in the afternoon but that doesn't mean that it hasn't happened other times as well. Also, he has times when he is happy, awake and not crying. My relatives all say this is gas. They also say that it will end around his 3rd month. We've used the much raved about Mylicon but all it seems to do is interrupt the wails so that we can insert a pacifier to help comfort him. Everyone on my side of the family recommended an herbal tea made from anise seed (that I grew up with and find very comforting) for the baby but I'm just not sure...

So, babies cry, right? Right! But my therapist/analytical/paranoid parts wonder if it is something other than gas, like him having a difficult temperament. I was talking about his crying with some friends who asked if he was fussy. That question stuck with me. Is he fussy? And if he is, why do I feel guilty or embarrassed by that? I've read up on this and discovered that the "good" baby/fussy baby categories are a bit limiting. Well, and all that to say, he may not be fussy--i have no idea. It isn't like I've done this before.

We've learned that the baby loves the vibration of singing low notes. He loves the "monkey hold". He also loves to be held and patted on the the back and bottom. His daddy has become a champ at all of these.

David Sr. seems to have his most difficult times at the changing table. He cannot seem to change the baby's diaper without getting the changing pad, 4 diapers, and babies clothes wet. To say the least, we are going through lots of diapers. I've gotten "wet" on as well but due to leaky diapers.

I'm just dying to see some smiles and ready for him to be interactive. We might have to wait longer because his developmental milestones might be later in coming due to him being preterm.

I would love to hear your thoughts on these things.

a slow and painful week with my cute growing pain

2009-05-21T18:22:00.002-05:00

David Jr. and I had a good rhythm going. Every 3 hours (give or take 15 min) he would get hungry. I would nurse, he would stay awake for a little while or sleep, and then we would start over. Then, around tuesday of last week, David threw me a curve ball. He started getting more fussy, and wanting to eat every hour and a half to two hours (doesn't sound bad until you know that I was feeding him for about 45 minutes or an hour out of that time). I was left with a small break between feedings, my "equipment" for nursing was "tired" and this was happening through the night. I was relieved to learn last week that the growth spurt (the 6-wk growth spurt, to be exact) that was the cause of the new rhythm usually lasts from 2 to 7 days or so. Well, by the 7th day my nerves were raw and I was frazzled. David Sr. helped as much as he could but, of course, he can't nurse and he had to finish up his exams and grading. Well, we made it but it was not easy.

I think the growth spurt is over for the most part. Now, he sleeps and sleeps (which is when the growing starts). He looks longer and is definitely heavier (though we don't have any exact numbers). At least for the last couple of days, he has gone 3 hours between feedings and at night he went as long as 6 hours one night. Because I am getting more of a break I tend to like him more. Sure, I love him (would I work so hard for someone I didn't?) But now, I like and want to play with him. It also helps that he is a happier baby now. I don't really look forward to the next growth spurt (books say that will happen at 3 mos. and david is 7 and a half wks).

I made all sorts of plans for this past week that have gone to pot.
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just an aside, there is some kid trying to luge down our street--hilarious!
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I wanted to hang out with my friend Marti and later Meg and Christel. None of the above happened until after the growth spurt ended. I've never heard of these spurts and how hard they can be. But at least the painful part is for a good cause because this little guy is starting to get baby fat. This is a source of pride to me.